The Unicorn in the Garden
by fragonknight01
Summary: Aunt Marge saw a unicorn in the garden; Harry Potter's pet unicorn to be precise. And, now a wonderful chain of events has been set in motion where Harry gets precisely who he wants, and Fudge gets exactly what is coming to him... SLASH and MPreg
1. There's a unicorn in the garden

Disclaimers: No, I still don't own the Harry Potter Universe. I don't own the unicorn in my garden either- James Thurber does, did, dead? This was just a short piece to keep myself occupied a while back when all the little Fragonknights were out snogging dragons. However, it was one of those things that took on a life of its own and now I have to go through and make sure that all the dangling participles at least make for an intersting misunderstanding or two. Having said that, why not step into my world and find one or two...

THERE'S A UNICORN IN THE GARDEN!

Harry Potter had finally grown into his potential. You ask, "What potential?" Well, stick around and I will explain most of it, in between my usual ramblings, digressions, and blatant diversions. The potential of which I speak is the fact that he has become the most powerful wizard in the whole world.

We know Harry is the most powerful because after he killed Voldemort (accidentally mind you, but accidents count right up there along with dumb luck) he dispatched five death eaters hexing him, four vampires stalking him, three werewolfies howling at him, two veelas fighting (actually that one was kind of 'iffy' because they were actually fighting over which one he belonged to when he hexed them both back to the old country), and then he beat Dumbledore in a game of skipping rope. He had to do the Dumbledore _thingy _so that he could round out the numbers- and to confuse Rita Skeeter who has never heard of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Harry is also the most beautiful, effeminate, and sexiest little virgin ever to graduate from Hogwarts. (There was a rumor at one time that if a virgin ever graduated from Hogwarts that the castle would fall- now that that notion has been disproved students will have to find some other lie to justify their rampant promiscuity.)

At any rate the Ministry of Magic has placed a decree on Harry to the effect that he must produce a clutch of little Harrys so that the Potter line will not die out. Harry, after reading the missive from Mr. Frivolous Frump Fudge, aka Cornelious, has retreated to the ancestral seat of his family, aka THE DURSLEYs.

The story begins, obviously at the beginning, but for oratory purposes, when Harry moves back into the Dursley residence and immediately begins slinging cleaning supplies and the odd what-not out of his broom closet under the stairs (hereafter referred to as his 'bedroom').

Aunt Petunia, used to her freak nephew, only quirked a brow and asked in her fake posh accent, "Wot in the bleedin' 'ell are ye doin' 'Arry?"

"Cleaning my bedroom?"

Petunia glared. "You had best get that stuff put back away and get your angsty, teenage 'tude upstairs!" Her cockney accent didn't hold up for two goes.

"I want to live here!" Harry pouted. His lip quivered. His beautiful emerald green eyes glistened with moisture. His long spiky lashes swept down to collect tears the size of dewdrops. "Please, Aunt Petunia. I need some private space where I can be just me. I don't want to stay in Dudley's second bedroom."

Harry looked so pathetic that she could not resist reaching out to brush the hair off of his cheek. "You look just like Lily used to when you do that." She sighed as she looked into a distance Harry knew automatically was not there. He gave her a soft peck on the cheek and pulled out his wand.

Petunia stood transfixed as Harry magicked his room the way he wanted it. She was amazed that the little cupboard under the stairs could contain a four poster bed, complete with drapes; a walk in closet with matching dresser and mirror; a roll top desk with a padded office chair; and tucked behind a beautiful fifteenth century Chinese screen was a sunken marble tub and matching toilet. She particularly loved the fact that Harry had charmed the wall to be a one-way mirror so that he could look out into the back garden.

Then she squealed excitedly and pointed to the garden itself. Harry looked up at her bit of noise and blinked a few times. "Oh my! This may not be good, Aunt Petunia."

"Why ever not, Harry? The unicorns are absolutely beautiful!"

"Well, according to The Unicorn Book if a unicorn leaves its forest it can be captured or killed. I would hate for anything to happen to Lasting Hope and her mother."

Petunia dabbed a tear from the corner of her eye. "Who ever would have thought that I would see a unicorn? Look at me! I'm not a young girl any more. Why am I seeing them?" Her voice broke and she began sobbing.

Harry went to his Aunt and pulled her over to the love seat he had just added to the room so that he would have somewhere to sit besides at his desk or on the bed.

"Now Aunt Petunia, you need to stop crying. Everything is ok! There is a very simple explanation for Lasting Hope to be here. I will go outside in a few minutes and talk to her."

Petunia stopped sobbing and blew her nose on a tissue Harry conjured up. "Tell me about them."

"I have been planning to go into the medi-wizard for several months. I spent incredibly long hours working with both Madame Pomfrey and Hagrid in order to learn as much about magical medicine as I could before taking the entrance exams so I could go to Cambridge Magical Medical College this fall. Anyway, I was down at Hagrid's hut working with him when Hope's mother came to me from out of the forest. She had gone into labor, but her baby was breach. She came to me for help."

Petunia looked at him wide-eyed. "You helped deliver a baby unicorn?" Her voice was full of incredulity. "That is just so amazing!"

Before Harry could say anymore they both heard the door slam open and Dudley calling for his mother. "Mummy? Where are you? Mummy? I need you, Mummy?" His voice ran together in a litany of supplication as he called for his mother.

They sat and looked at each other as Dudley tripped over some cleaning supplies that were lying on the floor outside the closet. Then they became totally shocked as the door opened slightly and Dudley neatly stacked the items back in the closet without paying the slightest attention to the transfigured closet or the people in it.

They grinned at each other as Dudley wandered into the sitting room and began talking to his father. "Daddy, did you know that there is a unicorn in the garden?" He asked in his usual calm voice.

Vernon looked up at his great hulking son and nodded his head in an agreeable fashion. "Son, I can believe it. With that freak cousin on yours in residence here anything is possible."

"Have you seen them?"

"No! And I do not intend to go looking for them. It is enough that we now have cherry blossoms scenting the air, daffodils waving gently in a non- existent breeze, and a fish pond full of koi and water lilies." He nodded his head in the affirmative. "Yes, son, considering the fact that this time yesterday we had neither tree nor pond back there- yes- we are doing well."

* * *

A/N: OK, it is only fair to say that this story has been completley written...finished...but, I have the urge to rewrite parts of it. So, if you present any good ideas I might work them in. (No, this is not a bid for reviews, I like them, but I only want reviews that people want to write. I prefer that reviews fall into one of two categories; tell me how you think I can improve my writing of the story, or tell me that you are enjoying the story.) So, having said that, messaging works quite well. And, in case you are new to the story we have Marge bashing, and SLASH!


	2. Can we have a Snape in the Garden?

Disclaimers: Same as chapter 1.

Chapter 2: Can we have a Snape in the Garden?

The adolescent population of Hogwarts would like to add a clarifying disclaimer to my unkind remark about them needing to think up a new lie. Hence- Factual Corrections deemed necessary:

Slytherins are not rampantly promiscuous- they're purebloods and it's tradition.

Gryffindors are not rampantly promiscuous- They are merely trying to keep the playing field level with the Slytherins because we have all of our classes together.

Ravenclaws are not rampantly promiscuous- they are merely ensuring that we have a well-rounded education.

Hufflepuffs are not rampantly promiscuous- They just think that group hugs while wearing no clothes is quite fun.

The staff and administrators of Hogwarts are, sadly and regrettably, rampantly promiscuous. However, they too deny any and all knowledge of sexual deviations, indulgences, and/or orgiastic practices.

Sexual deviations seems to be a muggle term.

* * *

Harry had to fire call Albus right after his little discussion with the unicorns. He needed to inform the Headmaster of their new living arrangements, along with mentioning that both Aunt Petunia and Cousin Dudley had seen them. (Vernon had not gone out to look; he just accepted the fact and went on.) Harry decided he also needed Dumbledore to help him place a notice me not charm around the whole perimeter of the Dursleys' house since the beautification projects were occurring too quickly.

Lasting Hope, the baby unicorn, had decided that since Harry had delivered her that she wanted to stay near her adopted mother-figure. The mother unicorn had just nickered kindly at Harry and explained that he was in fact a wizard capable of bearing offspring and that is what the baby meant when he called Harry 'Mumsy'.

That little bit of information went a long way towards making Harry feel 'all-better' about Fudge passing Order of the Ministry Proclamation 1997- 001. aka known as the "Potter Reproduction Act". One reason our precious little man was still a virgin was the fact that he was about as gay as a 3 dollar bill (which incidentally features Bill Clinton) WTF?

So all this stuff has been sorted and the only thing left to do is talk to Uncle Vernon about it. Maybe Uncle Vernon could think of a way to make Fudge change his mind. After all, Uncle Vernon is clever enough to sell drill bits- just maybe he could help Harry.

Aunt Petunia suggested that a nice roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, side dish of vegetables and Yorkshire pudding would not go amiss in putting Uncle Vernon in the mood to help with Harry's 'little problem'. The older man was quite flattered that someone would recognize his obvious brilliance and condescended to listen. Harry found himself telling Vernon the whole story behind the Ministry's decree.

Uncle Vernon took it all very well. His only reaction to Harry's monologue was to cease breathing and become purple in the face. Much to the horror of everyone at the table his resulting eruption took on the proportions of Mt. Etna- all over Petunia.

"That is disgusting!" Petunia hissed as she wiped large patches of make-up off while trying to dry the tea off of her face. Her beautiful white table napkin was stained with various bits of unidentified matter that made her cringe with revulsion.

"What is disgusting, Mummy?" Dudley chimed in. "Is it the fact that Daddy spit tea all over you? Or, that Harry has been ordered to reproduce?"

"Shut up, Dudley. You don't have the vaguest idea what any of this is all about!" Petunia accepted the clean napkin from Harry and murmured, "Thank you, Darling." Quietly to him.

Vernon continued to glare as his nephew refilled his tea cup then sat back down. "Honestly, Uncle Vernon none of this is my fault! I don't want to marry some woman and have children. I don't even like women that way! There has only ever been one person I ever fancied romantically and he definitely won't have anything to do with me! He hates me!"

Vernon lowered his head and put his hand over his eyes. "What did I ever do to deserve this? Why did I get landed with the gay freak from Hell?" He mumbled on this way for another minute or so while the rest of the kitchen's occupants waited for the facts to sink in on him. Then his eyes shot open and a smile appeared on his face.

Duds sank a little deeper into his chair when he saw the maniac look on his father's face. Things were changing too fast to suit Dudley and he was beginning to panic. Both his parents were acting strange at this point and he no longer knew how to react. And, then his mother, the one who loved him unconditionally, just had the audacity to tell him to shut up since he was 'devoid of factual knowledge'. Under the circumstances he felt he was being treated unfairly. He decided to stick around and find out exactly what was happening.

"Finally! He did something right!" Uncle Vernon shouted with joy as he leapt out of his chair, almost sending the table and all of its contents spilling across the unusually clean floor. "He's gay! No more useless Potters in the world. No more Potters! Well done, Harry!" His overly large fist clapped Harry on the shoulder. "You finally did something correct even if it does mean swinging the wrong way in the tree of life!"

Harry sat there totally shocked and slightly terrified. All he managed to mumble was, "You called me Harry."

"Oh, don't let it go to your head, Boy." Vernon stopped 'patting' him on the back when he noticed that his much smaller nephew was suffering from distressed breathing.

Everyone's attention was riveted by Dudley's seemingly innocent question. "What'd you mean when you said the only person you fancy hates you?"

"It means, Duds, that the only man I am even remotely interested in HATES me."

Uncle Vernon reeled around at Harry, "And just who might this man be?" He asked in clipped tones.

"If you must know," Harry replied in equally clipped tones, "it's Professor Snape." Large tears leaked from the corners of his eyes and made sorrowful trails down both sides of his face before dripping onto his overly large t- shirt.

The other three stared at him in shock until he jumped up from the table and ran to his cupboard. The silence surrounding his exit lay heavily on them until Petunia took charge by glaring at the men and demanding, "Bring me my writing case, Son."

Dudley squealed as he ran out to fetch Mummy her case. Whatever it was she had planned it should be good.

When he returned, she immediately proceeded to write a letter to Mr. Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, explaining that since he ordered Harry to pick a spouse and reproduce, Fudge was to procure one Professor Severus Snape for Harry to wed. When she was done she opened the window and whistled for the owl just as Lily had taught her to do when sending a letter.

The beautiful snowy white owl flew directly to Mr. Fudge's residence to deliver the missive. Mrs. Fudge was slightly annoyed with the owl interrupting dinner with ministry business until she caught the drift of what Mr. Fudge was now obligated to do. She was so pleased with the pretty white owl that she gave her two owl treats and a galleon.

Minister Fudge, after turning several shades of white then red, stormed out of the dining room to make a fire call to a certain professor. He just knew that Snape was going to be trouble. After locating him at Malfoy Manor and disturbing a formal dinner party he was more than certain that things were going to be totally awkward.

A/N: Is life going well for everyone out there? Maybe tomorrow Aunt Marge will come visit- or, maybe not. Maybe Snape will come visit. For those of you reading this for the second time please let me know if there were any mistakes/changes that need fixed/made. Thanks everyone for all the story alerts since I really appreciate knowing some people are enjoying(hopefully) what I write.


	3. Marge is in charge?

Disclaimers: Same as chapter 1.

Chapter 3: Marge, Large, but not in charge.

Minister Fudge interrupting the Malfoy's dinner party was not taken as badly as it could have been. Lucius had been rather kind when he aimed his wand at the face in the fireplace and blasted him with rotten garbage conjured from the kitchens. Fudge would not be forgetting anytime soon that the only fireplace he was allowed to use was the one in the Great Hall that the house elves monitored.

* * *

Severus flooed back home to his dungeons close to midnight. It had been nice to spend time with his friends. It alleviated some of the depression that seemed to settle over him now that the Potter brat was gone from the school. The same Potter brat who had been ordered by the Ministry of Magic to get married and produce at least two little Potters. The same Potter brat that Severus was IN LOVE with. Now the boy was completely out of his grasp (as if he ever had a chance!)

He was still moping about several hours later when he decided to go up to the Great Hall and have lunch with Albus 'The Old Crackpot Himself' Dumbledore. Maybe if he ate enough lemon drops he would go into sugar shock and... The idea got squelched. Just look at Dumbledore sucking the damn things down- he didn't have a chance in hell of dying from them. Of course if they really were laced with calming draught it would explain why Dumbledore had cans of them stacked around (Dumbledore could well be the worlds oldest living junkie). Maybe if he just swallowed the contents of one can whole?

Lunch was not what he expected. First off, no one had warned him that Minister Fudge would be in attendance. Dumbledore was twinkling like the Great Hall's Christmas tree (which was never a good sign). And Minerva had come to the table in her cat form and was currently twining about his legs shrieking about something. The first words out of his mouth were, "Albus, can't you do something with your pussy? She acts like she is in heat."

Minister Fudge produced a nice gagging sound but only received a level stare from the Potions Master. "What? This is Hogwarts, Fudge. Any bloody thing can happen here. Don't act all surprised about the facts of life."

Fudge regained control and the smile he plastered on his face was downright sinister. "Since you have broached the subject of anything happening here at Hogwarts maybe you will not be too adverse to listening to the reason I am visiting here today."

Severus sneered, "Oh please do go on. I am dying to hear your abysmal idiotic prattle."

Dumbledore's eyes glittered fiendishly when Fudge returned Severus's sneer and added, "You will be dead if you do not honor the Ministry's newest decree." Albus felt it was in the best interest of everyone involved if he were to intervene on the off chance that he could avert the death of the Minister regardless of how stupid and tactless he was. Everyone except Fudge seemed to have received the memo mentioning the fact that Death Eaters, past, present, and/or future usually had some serious social flaws that could result in the death or untimely demise of anyone irritating them beyond boiling point.

He honestly tried to help. Too bad both men ignored him. He finally realized that one reason he had lived to see 150 plus years was the fact that he knew when to 'shut the hell up'.

Fudge, up to this point, has been protected by no less than a legion of guardian angels who toil ceasesly in order to keep him safe. They all took one look at the face of Severus Snape when Fudge dropped his bombshell and they all grabbed up their harps and went back to heaven.

To say Sev took it well would be an understatement. He did a passable impression of a goldfish. That finally faded into the second eruption of Mt. Etna in less than twenty-four hours. Finally he stood up shaking with suppressed rage as he roared, "NEVER MOCK ME AGAIN! I WOULD DIE FOR THAT BOY!"

Fudge did not need to be told for once that he had over-stayed his welcome. He is as nimble as a Billy goat jumping. He was over the table and out the door long before it sank in on Severus that he had just been handed his heart's desire: gift-wrapped, ribbon festooned... you name it. The letter from Aunt Petunia and a copy of the ministry decree stating that Lord Snape aka Severus Oberon Snape was requested to fulfill the request for his hand in marriage per the Wizard Marriage Law of 1266. (Passed in order to honor the Wizards who did battle with William the Conqueror when he gained the throne of England with their help.)

There was only one thing left for Severus to do. He grabbed up the papers and disappeared into the fireplace, slinging floo powder and shrieking Malfoy Manor. Seconds later Minerva reappeared, pulled the half eaten mouse out of her mouth and said, "Well, that went well didn't it, Love?"

Albus merely smiled and popped another lemon drop into his mouth. He held the can out to her and then added, "Yes! I think that went rather well, didn't it?"

* * *

Things were not going quite so smoothly at the Dursley house! I warned you all before that Marge was going to visit. And when Marge visits things never go as well as one would hope. (Well unless you are a hinky puck or maybe a boggart- then when things get out of hand you simply sit back and watch the resulting chaos.)

Marge was running late and did not arrive until after the departure of Lord Malfoy and his son. Lord Malfoy had, according to wizarding tradition, presented to Mr. and Mrs. Dursley a small token of esteem on behalf of his good friend Lord Snape in gratitude at their magnanimous request to honor him so. A brief case of tightly compressed fifty-pound notes had gone a long way toward changing Vernon Dursley's attitude toward Harry Potter's choice of life-mate.

Dudley barged out the door and picked up her bags before she could start squawking about Harry. Ripper under her left arm and her carryall under her right, Marge sailed into the house in grand style.

The first clue she had that life had changed was when Petunia looked down and sneered at Ripper. "Must you bring that filthy beast into my home? There are simply hundreds of good boarding kennels to choose from."

Marge puffed up and glared at Petunia.

Petunia held her ground. "Don't you try that look on me, Marge. You may be Vernon's sister, but he sleeps with me!" Pet was on a short fuse with her it seemed.

Marge grabbed up Ripper and headed toward the kitchen door. Vernon and Dudley were sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and discussing Mr. Malfoy's strange visit with Harry who was flittering about in the kitchen putting the final touches on dinner. As she was about to open the door and set the dog down, Vernon glanced over and said, "Marge, please do not let the dog out back. There is a unicorn in the garden and they might not get on well together.

"There is no such thing as a unicorn!" Marge huffed around a bit, but, she did not let the dog out. "Why is Petunia acting strangely, Vernon? She was positively uncivil to me just now."

Dudley shrugged when his father looked to him for help. "Harry, maybe you could try explaining things to your Aunt Marge?"

Harry shook his head and went back to the cooking. "I doubt that anything I say would make sense."

Marge glared at him. "When are you going to grow up, boy? You should have been drowned at birth. Nasty little runt. It isn't like I would want to hear anything you had to say anyway."

Harry turned to her with a smile on his face. "Actually,  Aunt Marge, there isn't a unicorn in the garden, there are two of them. They followed me here from school. I graduated last week and Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia have agreed to let me stay here until after my 18th birthday."

"More like you could not find a job and are here to leech off my brother until you can find someone stupid enough to support you." Marge smirked as she saw Harry's beautiful porcelain complexion flush a delicate rose color. "Just what I thought. You don't have a job and you are here because they are too good to throw you out like you deserve."

Harry shrugged and went back to deftly juggling pots and pans.  He did not have the heart to tell her that he was only hanging around until school started and then he would be off to do Pre-Med at Oxford University of Magical Studies.

Vernon looked over at her and said, "Don't you think you are being a bit hard on the boy, Marge? Harry had a trying year at school and needed somewhere quiet to rest. In truth, we are enjoying having him here for a few weeks. The boy's no bother at all. He does his share of the work and has been quite good company for Petunia. Hasn't he Love? " The last comment directed to Petunia who had just entered the kitchen.

Petunia nodded an affirmative. 'Vernon, there is a head in the fireplace and he is asking for you. I think you should go speak to him." She drifted back out the door and across the hall to the sitting room.

Marge stared after her, eyes wide as a house elf's. "What in the name of God is she talking about?" Sneering at Harry one last time she got up and followed Vernon's retreating form into the sitting room also.

Her first sight upon entering the room was of Vernon bent down in front of the fireplace talking to someone. She stood in the doorway gaping as Vernon stepped back and a man stumbled out of the fireplace. Two other people dressed in official looking robes of some sort quickly followed him through. Marge let out a high pierced girly type shriek and jumped back.

"What is going on, boy?" She hissed, grabbing Harry before he could make a clean escape into his new bedroom.

Harry was an adult wizard, no longer subject to ministry regulations regarding underage magic. "Let loose of me you vexatious old toad or I shall hex you seven-sides-of-Sunday."

* * *

And now my lovelies, do you remember who came through the fireplace? Just maybe I changed it so you could have a bit of fun worrying... Also, did you remember that to be a normal functioning human one needs at least  six hugs a day?


	4. Man down call 999

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Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, or any unicorns. I have never shopped for wands in the second hand bin at Ollivanders either. Sadly, regrettably, I do own a computer attached to the outside world so please understand that while I am not intentionally torturing you, I am not entirely sane! *insert evil Dark Lord Laugh*

* * *

Chapter 4: WHITE MAN DOWN- CALL 999

Harry successfully exited the room before Cornelius Fudge could get to him. By the time Fudgie managed to untangle himself from the two Aurors who had somehow got tangled up in his robes, Harry had cast several locking charms on his door and it really could not be opened by anyone on site.

Shakelbolt and Tonks gave each other encouraging grins as they noted that Mr. Potter had wards up that Fudge couldn't penetrate. They lost their smirks when they realized Mr. Potter had wards up that they could not penetrate either. In response to Fudge they simply shrugged and said that they were only Aurors, not sorcerers. Besides, they had no desire to drag Harry out of his hidey-hole for Fudge to torture.

Marge Dursley watched all the ensuing pandemonium with avid eyes. She also made the mistake of forgetting the warning about not letter Ripper out the back door and while everyone was otherwise occupied, she eased open the door and stuffed the suffering dog through it.

While Fudge was beating on the closet door trying to get Harry to come out, Vernon walked past and gave him a sensible piece of advise. "Why don't you get that man you arranged for him to marry over here? Maybe he can talk to the boy and calm him down. Your screaming is not doing a bit of good. And, frankly, you are giving my wife a headache."

Fudge paused in his tirade against Harry and stared at the uncle in shock. "Capital idea even if you are a muggle." Turning to Tonks he ordered, "Fire call Snape and get him over here. NOW!"

Tonks nodded and went back into the sitting room. It took her only a few minutes to find him and inform him that Fudge was at the Dursley residence bullying Harry, and that Vernon had asked for him to come through and sort out the resulting chaos.

By the time Tonks had finished her call and stepped back into the hallway all hell had broken loose outside. The deep baying of a dog was followed swiftly by an agonized howl. The mother unicorn had taken offense to Ripper attacking her filly and had gutted him quite nicely.

Harry looked out his 'window' and saw the dog being killed by the enraged animal and decided to go get what few pieces of him that remained. He jerked open his door and stormed past Fudge, going directly to Marge, bitch slapping her silly while screaming that she had been told not to let her damn dog out back!

He jerked her out the door and pointed to the bloody mess that used to be her precious pet. "See what you did to your dog, you stupid hag? We told you not to let him out because there was a unicorn in the garden. As usual you didn't listen. Now look!" He pointed to the unicorns. "Not only have you killed your stupid dog, you have upset my unicorns." He sneered one last time at her and went to his precious pets.

Marge stood there gaping as Harry magicked the dead dog back into one pile and levitated it to a spot in front of her. Marge took one look at her pet then stared wide-eyed at the unicorns until it sank in on her stressed out psyche that she was in fact looking at real unicorns. She began hyperventilating and dashed back inside, slamming the door resoundingly behind her.

Vernon looked at her and realized he liked his briefcase full of money much better than he did his only sister. Besides, she really did have a foul mouth for a woman, she was even uglier than the fright gallery at Madame Tussards, and frankly, she was a mean drunk. With no further thought on the subject he picked up the phone and called for an ambulance. When the attendants arrived to see what the problem was, Mr. Dursley was the epitome of gracious host as he explained that his dear sister seemed to have suffered a serious breakdown.

Marge was totally incoherent as she tried to explain to the medical staff that she was just slightly overwrought because her brother had two unicorns in his back yard, and said unicorn had just killed her dog. The staff agreed that Ms. Dursley might need a bit of a rest after they had humored her by checking to see that the dog was not out back and that there were no unicorns either.

Kingsley eased their minds immensely when he explained that the dog she was distressed about had met his untimely demise earlier that day when a car hit him. Vernon nodded and added the fact that the dog had already been disposed of at the vets. He gave a good performance of being distressed that his sister would need extensive psychological revision, but signed the papers and let them take her away for a nice quiet rest where she could not hurt herself.

Kingsley and Tonks exchanged significant looks as they noted just how easy it had been to dispose of the muggle woman. They both directed glittering gazes toward Minister Fudge who was ranting at Harry in an incoherent fashion. They motioned for Vernon to step into the kitchen with them in order to discuss a bit of business.

Petunia was in the sitting room removing soot from the immaculate carpet when Messers Malfoy and Snape came through. She blinked at the imposing figures of the two men then did the nice by curtsying and welcoming them into her humble home.

"Quite alright, Madam." Draco, standing in for Lucius, bobbed his head. "Lord Snape was directed to assist his betrothed. Would you be so kind as to lead us to him?"

"Yes, Yes. Of course. Please, this way." She escorted them through the house and out the back door to where Fudge had cornered Harry and was screaming at him. Harry was standing with his arms around his unicorn, face buried in her mane, refusing to listen to anything Fudge had to say.

Snape stormed out the door and over to Fudge. "What is the meaning of this?" His aristocratic voice shook with fury. "Why are you here distressing Mr. Potter? He has complied with every edict you have been brainless enough to harass him with. What more can you possibly have to bitch about?"

Fudge whirled around, intending to light into whoever was idiot enough to throw off his groove. And immediately forgot what he was on about as he stared at a black Hawthorne wand 12 and ½ inches long; held in a perfectly steady hand by a perfectly furious fiancé of his verbal abuse victim. Minister Fudge was not about to admit that he had encountered that wand more than once and came off the worse for it.

Draco just stood there starting dumbfoundedly at Severus until Fudge made a hacking noise and broke the spell. He immediately went to Harry and dealt with detaching him from the unicorn's mane. He led Harry back into the house, all the while managing to keep Sev and Fudge in view the whole time.

He delivered the famous Malfoy smirk at Tonks and Kingsley as he escorted Harry past them and into the sitting room. "You might want to make that phone call now, Cuz. Uncle Sev just cast a dark arts charm on Fudge that will make him a muggle for the rest of his life unless Sev does the counter- curse willingly."

Kingsley eyed the grinning blond. "What are the chances of him performing the counter-curse?"

"About the same chances as Voldie being resurrected a second time by using the same spell he did last time." Draco cuddled Harry closer to his chest as he directed a hard glare out the door to where Fudge was staggering toward the house.

"Ah! That will be satisfactory." Kingsley picked up the phone and dialed the number of the private hospital where Aunt Marge had been taken.

It was a long half hour as they all waited for the men in little white suits to return. Draco kept his arms around Harry so that he could not disappear and hide again. Severus and Harry spent the whole time staring longingly at each other, then quickly averting their gaze if they happened to make eye contact with the other. Kingsley and Tonks sat quietly while keeping an eye on Mr. Fudge. Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley played host to the best of their ability while staring unabashedly at Mr. Snape.

Finally, the ambulance arrived once again and the gentlemen were invited inside to observe and do the necessary to ease Mr. Fudge's mental distress. The fact that Mr. Fudge was ranting about being a wizard didn't help his case at all. He kept randomly waving a stick of wood around and screaming AVADA KEDAVARA and CRUCIO at all and sundry. What really did the poor man in though was when he explained that this was all an elaborate hoax on the part of Lord Snape and Harry Potter as revenge against himself for demanding that they get married and have babies.

Orderly #1 inquired, "You say that you are not only a wizard, but you are also the Minister of Magic?"

"Yes! That is correct."

Orderly #2 reiterated, "You are currently the victim of foul play because you ordered these two men to marry and produce children?"

Fudge glared at him. "I believe that that is precisely what I just said." Turning to Tonks he snarled, "Would you please explain to these men exactly who I am."

Tonks nodded agreeably, "Real nutter he is, Mate. Everyone knows that men can't have babies. He has been like this ever since you all had to remove his girlfriend earlier. If I didn't know better I'd say they have been doing some illegal drugs or something. God only knows what these old people get up to these days when they have nothing else to do with their time."

The orderlies looked at each other and decided to grab him before he realized exactly what was happening. They had him wrapped up in a straightjacket and bundled out the door almost quicker than Kingsley could cast an _obliviate_ on him, however, it was too funny watching him still proclaiming his wizardness so they let him go unhindered.

Tonks grabbed Fudge's wand and secreted it away before anything could happen to it. It was standard practice for Aurors to remove wands from the hands of muggles. She also felt it was her duty to take it back to the ministry and have it decontaminated before returning it to Mr. Olivander for resale in the second-hand section of the store.

There would also be the issue of Mr. Fudge casting several illegal curses before they could get the wand away from him. The news would have to be broken to Mrs. Fudge delicately that her husband had disappeared into the muggle world in order to avoid prosecution by the Wizengamot. All things considered, it was a rather good day at #4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. Everyone who remained in the house tended to agree.

Vernon found it completely necessary to interrogate Mr. Snape on how he would be maintaining Mr. Potter once they took up residence together. Petunia found it completely necessary to drag Harry and Dudley into the kitchen with her under the pretext that Harry could conjure tea for everyone much quicker than it would take her to prepare it the muggle way. Dudley just wanted to know what it was that Harry saw in the tall dark wizard with the big nose and posh airs.

While the three of them were there Dudley happened to mention that the younger Malfoy seemed to be a tad more interested in getting his hands on Harry himself rather than upholding tradition like his father had earlier that day. That led to Dudley admitting that Lord Malfoy had been there earlier to set the terms of the contract which Petunia had invoked.

Harry was completely shattered to realize that Snape had only agreed to marry him because Aunt Petunia had cited the Wizard Marriage Law of 1266 and demanded Snape's hand in marriage for him. He had entertained fantasies of Severus and himself enjoying wedded bliss, producing at least a dozen little Potter-Snapes, and living happily ever after. He refused to finish serving the tea and tried to reach the sanctuary of his bedroom before anyone could stop him.

It was just Harry's luck that Snape grabbed him as he made a dash for the closet and swung him up in his arms. Sev was alarmed to see tears sliding down Harry's pale cheeks and could not help kissing him in an attempt to make things better. Instead of a welcome response he got kicked in the shins by the skinny little imp, who then apparated away to avoid being subjected to retribution.

Severus stood there, thoroughly bemused, a happy smile on his face. He did not stop smiling until Draco said, "Would you stop that infernal smiling? You are, quite literally, scaring the shit out of me!"

Severus blinked a few times. "Where did he go?"

Dudley still had not figured out what Harry saw in the man. "He is probably in his bedroom." He pointed to the closet. "Good luck on trying to get in there. Last time I touched the bloody grate I got an electric shock."

Draco grinned, "That must have been a sight. Imagine a killer whale wearing a white afro."

Petunia smirked at the rotten boy and gave him an affirmative nod. Dudley saw the exchange and whined, "Mummy, you're not supposed to say such things about your only son."

When the laughter died down the party broke up. The Aurors had to return to the ministry to file their reports, Snape had to return to Hogwarts and make a report to Dumbledore, and Draco knocked on the 'forbidden' door in an attempt to locate one Harry Potter.

* * *

A/N: Yes, of course I realize that all my characters are OOC. Why would I want them to be like the books? Especially books 6 and 7 since they are hardly worth the paper they are written on. The only use I have for that particular canon is cannon fodder!


	5. dinner and a snog

Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, or any unicorns. I have never shopped for wands in the second hand bin at Ollivanders either. Sadly, regrettably, I do own a computer attached to the outside world so please understand that while I am not intentionally torturing you, I am not entirely sane! *insert evil Dark Lord Laugh*

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Chapter 5: Dinner and a snog

Draco eyed the door to Harry's 'room' with a bit of trepidation before gathering his famous Malfoy courage and firing a knocking charm at it from a good meter away. He watched in fascination as the magic sparked and flared like a firecracker. Potter really had warded his door quite well. Draco knew that Severus would be proud of his fiancé had he been here to see that particular spell.

Petunia looked over at him. "Any other ideas on how to get him out of there?"

Draco made a few funny faces as he ran through his options. He did not say anything until he was finished analyzing the situation. "We could have Daddy and Uncle Sev come over and attempt to remove the wards; We could touch the door then play on his guilt complex to come heal whoever is stupid enough to mess with the door; or, we could attempt to reason with him by muggle means."

"We should probably try the easiest option first." Vernon stated, then nodded approvingly when Draco pulled a cell phone out of his robe pocket and hit the speed dial.

Draco glared at the Dursleys as they stood around waiting for him to solve the problem. "Do you mind?" He finally snapped at them.

Dudley, acting like he completely misunderstood the whole situation, jiggled his triple chin a few times and stated the obvious. "No, really, I'm sure whatever you do will help immensely." He gestured to Draco to continue trying to reach Harry. Then turned and asked his mother, "It really is alright whatever he does as long as it helps Harry. Right, Mummy?"

Petunia eyed the big sexy blond as he spoke in a low soothing tone on the mobile. She was not at all sure that she liked the boy being so friendly to Harry. All sorts of foreboding thoughts came to the forefront of her mind as she observed him. Then her eyes flared open wide as she heard him say in a pleading voice, "Please, Harry! You know if I go home without knowing you are all right Daddy will beat me."

"And this means what to me?" Came through the earpiece quite loudly enough for everyone to hear. Harold James was in a right mood if his voice was any indication.

"Harry, please, I have no desire to have my back ripped open by his damn pimp cane. I really have to make sure you are OK with all of this."

"I am fine with it!" The scream could be heard by everyone in the room. It startled Draco so badly that he dropped the phone and grabbed his ear. He moaned as he rubbed the ear that had been damaged by the blast from the cute little terrorist lurking under the stairs.

This time it was Dudley who picked up the phone. "Harry, you get your freak ass out here now! You just managed to hurt Draco and you had better fix him before I kick the damn door in." Obviously he had been taking lessons from his father on crisis negotiation.

Harry blinked and held the phone away from his ear as he looked at it oddly. Funny, Dudley actually sounded serious. He sighed as he opened the door and looked at the four people gathered around his door. "IF you all expect me to come out of here, you will all have to move back some. This is a bloody hallway, you know, not the receiving hall at Balmoral Castle!"

Vernon glared at his foul tempered nephew. "Boy, if you don't start minding your manners I just might send you off to Mr. Snape without a wedding first. And, I'll even give him back his bride price."

Draco's face went from pale to pasty white. "For the love of Merlin, Harry, behave yourself." Whirling around so that he faced Vernon he added, "Please, Mr. Dursley, don't do that." Draco's body language screamed serious distress!

Vernon shook his head and huffed lightly. "Ok. I won't threaten that again. But, you had better stop throwing temper tantrums, Harry." He then patted Petunia on the behind and nodded toward the kitchen. "Let's all go sit down and have a cup of tea, yes?"

Harry stomped over to the cooker and turned it on. He had tea on the table in less than five minutes. Petunia narrowed her eyes at him and waited for him to notice. "I am sure we discussed this business of making tea, Harry."

"So I forgot and heated the water by magic. Here have a death eater biscuit with your evil brew." Harry waved his wand at the ginger snaps and they all became steaming hot double chocolate brownies topped with crushed walnuts and melted chocolate.

As the Dursley's stared at the plate in awe Draco shrieked in delight and settled himself in the chair nearest the dish. Grinning wickedly at everyone else he nodded at Harry in approval. "Shall I play mother?" Everyone sat. Everyone ate. Everyone moaned in pained satiation.

Dudley looked over at Harry and without further preamble dove right into the reason for the tea party. "Harry, you need to tell us what has you so upset. We can't help you unless you do." He risked glancing at the other three people and saw that they were responding in a positive manner to his speech.

Harry finally looked up and cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "You know I really appreciated how much trouble you went to writing that letter for me, Aunt Petunia." His big green eyes were full of tears and his throat was tight, it was difficult speaking, but, he knew he had to. "But, now that Fudge is gone there is a chance that Severus will not have to marry me. What am I going to do if the next minister decides that I don't need a spouse and a family?" He lost his voice as big fat tears dripped down his pale cheeks and he lowered his head to hide them.

Draco looked at him strangely. "That is not going to happen. Severus wants to marry you. Besides, you signed a wizards contract. Wizard contracts are not broken lightly and never without good cause."

Harry refused to look up from his empty teacup. "How do you know that he really wants me? He hated me all the way through school. I'm an idiot, a dunderhead, a..a... spoiled br..brat."

Vernon huffed proudly. "Quite right, boy. Quite right."

Petunia glared at her husband then shook her head at Draco. He was wasting his breath. Harry had not taken in a single word he said. She stood up and went around the table to him. "Come on, Harry. I will help you get ready for bed and tomorrow we will go into London and start picking your trousseau. Maybe you will feel better if we actually start planning the wedding. It will make it feel more real, yes?"

Harry turned his big green eyes up to Draco. "Was Fudge right when he said the MoM had to pay Severus to agree to this?"

"I don't know, Harry. Dad said that when Uncle Sev showed up at the Manor he was so excited that he was inarticulate. It took Daddy two bottles of fire whiskey and half the night to get him calmed down."

"Oh." Harry blinked as he thought about that. "Was he excited about getting married, or that Fudge had threatened him?"

Draco smirked, "PUHLEEZ! As if Fudge threatening Sev would get his riled! The only reason he is doing this is because it is something he wants."

Harry had such an eager tense look to him that Petunia knew it was time to get him away from the blond. She tugged him toward his 'bedroom'. "Come on. Sleep now and leave all the silly questions for later."

Draco stood and walked behind them as Petunia took Harry back to his cupboard. He peeked his head inside but would not enter. Petunia, recalling some of the odd customs that wizard courtship entailed from one of Lily's old books, did not invite him in. She remembered something about no one except direct family was allowed to enter the private rooms of one betrothed.

(1) (F:03 manages to finally press the unused graphic button) Corny music starts playing as we see Pet put the depressed boy to bed and hand him a large teddy bear and a cup of water laced with a sweet-dreams potion in it. As she leaned down to kiss him on the ... 03 completely unimpressed with the content of the G-rated, still unused, graphics turns it off and we leave the corny music and this rather sentimental scene behind.

Before Draco left he asked Vernon, "What did Fudge want when he showed up here?"

Dudley answered him. "That man is crazier than Arabella Figg. I'm pretty sure he did not have a valid excuse for visiting. He just wanted to vent..."

"Oh. Well, in that case I suppose I will go home and tell Daddy that everything is OK now. If the shopping plans change please let me know. I will stop by and keep him company so that he won't do anything stupid. I am not at all sure that he believes Sev really wants him."

Vernon shook his head. "I don't think that I am completely sure that 'Sev' wants him. That man is almost as odd as Harry is. Thank God there will not be any children."

Draco gave him a particularly nasty smirk. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that wizards can have babies? The more powerful the wizard is the more likely they are to have multiple births. I reckon a combination of Harry's and Sev's powers will result in at least triplets."

Dark eerie laughter wafted through the air as he flooed back to Malfoy Manor. Vernon and Dudley stared at each other in complete horror as they processed the evil blond's words. Finally Vernon shook his head as if to clear it and said, "Nah! He was just having us on!" They went about their business secure in their ignorance and therefore blissful.

* * *

A squeal of delight is heard from Harry as he was ushered into a private viewing room at Harrods Magical Emporium. Petunia managed to get Hermione, Pansy, Millicent, and her own dear friend, Narcissa to come help them. They turned the whole experience into something of a lingerie party.

It was not possible to keep a straight face when Harry stripped down in front of them all and donned a pair of French knickers with little golden snitches that liked to hover in the front area and flutter their little wings... Made for some interesting sensations so Harry ordered a dozen pairs in basic black for Severus.

The rest of the ladies were trying on various items also...It didn't really look like it was a team spirit project either. The fun didn't end until Millie gave an enraged squawk when she noticed Herms and Pansy playing pat-pat with each others snitches.

To keep the peace, Narcissa made everyone put their clothes back on. Then after dealing with the shopping details, they all flooed to the Leaky Cauldron then proceeded to one of Diagon Alley's outdoor restaurants for a quick drink...that lasted for several hours.

Harry watched Pansy and Hermione flirting with each other for several minutes before he turned to Millicent and asked, "Don't you feel just a little bit left out when they act like that?"

Millie grinned at him and shook her head to indicate the negative. "I hang out with them all the time these days. I find it is the best way for me to come in contact with some of your associates."

His eyes lit up. "And who would those associates be?" He looked at Millicent appraisingly as he asked. He was pleased for her when he noticed that the ugly duckling of Slytherin had indeed turned into something of a swan. Obviously she was still bigger than most witches, she could not really help that. But, she had learned how to wear makeup, had her hair lightened, and had obviously spent a great deal of time exercising and eating properly. She was never going to be stunning like Narcissa but she was definitely in the 'keeper' category.

The tall Nordic blond could not help but smirk as she inclined her head toward the shop bearing the logo WWW. "I sort of fancy having a go at a certain set of twins. I just love red hair, and big shoulders, and..." Millie rambled on about just how much she would like to have the two of them in her bed at the same time for several minutes before everyone else at the table started paying attention.

Narcissa, by this time thoroughly soused, nodded her head in agreement. "You're absolutely right, love. And they are pure bloods so those 'poker-up-their-asses' parents of yours really should not have too much against the match. Besides, you have about seven brothers don't you? It is not like they need you for breeding stock in the matrimonial stakes." Her face twisted into a slightly bitter expression before reaching into her pocket for her cigs.

She managed to hold her mary-jane steady while Harry lighted it for her. Then grinned diabolically as she stopped mid-rant and said, "Harry, dearest, please go over to the shop and bring the boys over to meet Millie. And, if Charlie is there tell him he has about two minutes to crawl under my robes or I am going to go home and complain to Lucius."

Harry didn't have to think twice about making his way across the street. He knew for a fact that Lucius Malfoy suffered from a condition known in the muggle world as PENILE ERECTILE DISFUCTION (a side effect of having to taste test a potion that The Dark Wanker had botched up). Narcissa was allowed to have one lover of her choosing at any given time and she had chosen Charlie several years ago.

He was back with Ron, Fred and George within a matter of minutes. Charlie was no where to be found so Harry dug his mobile out of his pocket and rang Draco's number. Narcissa was going to need some help getting home.

Three more chairs was added to the table and expanded appropriately so that everyone could get comfortable. Twenty minutes later the three Weasley men were having quite a nice time. Herms and Pansy had pulled Ron down between them and proceeded to take turns sticking their tongues down his throat. Gred and Forge were totally enthralled with the Amazon currently drawing little patterns on their thighs (about half way up the leg on the inside) with her inch long cherry red fingernails.

Harry couldn't help but feel slightly jealous. That was until Hermione sat back in her chair and began laughing manically. "What is so amusing?" He groused.

She pointed to Mad-Eye Moody staring at them from across the street. "Can you just imagine him coming over here and saying, "I have my eye on you!"

Petunia smirked and pointed to Lupin making his way toward Gringotts. "He is going to walk up to me and say, (2) "Hey, Little Red Riding Hood, you sure are looking good. Would you like to take a walk with me?"

Narcissa raised her hands in the air acting like she was clutching something. In a sultry voice she moaned, "Oh, Albus, Darling. I want to run my fingers through your beard." Then as everyone cracked up she added, He will look at me, his big blue eyes twinkling merrily and whisper, "I really want to go on a pantry raid."

Pansy took her turn and pointed to Crabbe and Goyle who had just emerged from Knockturn Alley. Crabbe and Goyle are meeting with Draco in a few minutes and Crabbe looks at Goyle and says, "Tell me again why we are hanging out with Ferret Face." Goyle will then say, "Because, we get our pick of the horny rejected bitches." "Oh, well, works for me."

Millicent smiles sweetly as she sinks her claws into solid thigh muscles with both hands and then clears her throat. "Today, Class, I got a real treat for you. He is harmless really." She pantomimes whipping the dustcover off of a birdcage to reveal a shrunken Voldie in a tweedy birdcage.

Harry peers at her illusion. "What the Hell?"

Draco, who has just walked up behind Harry peers at the cage and adds, "I think Hagrid must have hit him over the head."

Everyone stares in horror as the thing in the cage begins to sing, "I'm a sweet little Dark Lord, all here in a cage. Voldie's my name, but I don't know my age. I don't have to worry, and that is that. I'm safe in here from that vile Potter Brat!"

Fred and George start laughing at the same time as they cast a spell to make a butterbeer bottle look like Minerva then animated it to start singing and dancing , "Talk to me pretty. Here kitty, kitty..." It turned back into a bottle and fell over when it finished the song.

Harry flashed everyone a huge smile and was about to launch into a skit when Severus placed his hands lightly on Harry's shoulders and bends down to place a small kiss on the side of his neck before straightening up and going into full teacher mode. "Today, Class, we will be working on inter-house relations. Would you like to play strip poker or twister?"

Harry's face glowed a soft pink as he lowered his head and tried to hide behind his fringe. The feel of Severus's hands on him was still causing warm fuzzies to float around in his stomach. He completely missed everyone saying bye then standing up and heading off in different directions.

It wasn't until Severus pulled an empty chair over and sat down beside him that Harry looked back up. Snape reached out and took one of his shaking hands. "We really do need to spend some time together, don't we, Harry?"

Harry only nodded.

"Would you care to go get a coffee with me and then we can see what is playing at the cinema around the corner?"

A shy smile lit up Harry's face. "That would be great." As he stood up his stomach growled and he quickly looked back down in horrified embarrassment.

"Maybe we can find some food also." Severus couldn't help teasing his gorgeous companion. "Although I don't know if I should risk trying to feed a Weasley friend in public. That boy's table manners are just gross!"

"Hey, Ron's my friend." Harry forgot his shyness in the presence of his soon to be husband, "You just better watch it. I might ask Molly to cater our Wedding Supper and invite the whole lot of them to be my attendants."

Severus recoiled in horror. "That is just disgusting! Come on. There is no way I will try anything to get you upset after that threat. That ranks right up there with Voldemort officiating the wedding and the Death Eaters providing the entertainment."

Harry couldn't hold back his laughter at the look of horror on Sev's face. "Can we go now? I really am hungry."

Severus nodded and they walked back to the Leaky Cauldron. Within minutes they were lounging on the grass under an ancient oak tree, eating Chinese food, and squabbling pleasantly about the correct way to hold chopsticks.

Severus finally glared at him and told him to shut up. The argument was totally immaterial because they were eating with sporks, not chopsticks, anyway. Harry laughingly agreed with him then went back into panic mode when Sev leaned forward and delicately licked a spot of sweet-and-sour sauce off the corner of his mouth with his tongue.

Severus watched the younger man's reaction. The glowing green eyes darkened a shade or two and his heart rate had jumped but he had not jerked back from him. He decided not to move too quickly with Harry though so he leaned back and finished his noodles.

He was pleasantly surprised when Harry raised a hand and extended a finger to wipe a spot of sauce from his own mouth. And instead of jerking his hand back, Harry let the finger trail across Sev's parted lips. Harry giggled and pulled his hand back after his finger got nipped.

Without thinking Harry put the abused finger in his own mouth and sucked. Then gasped in shock as he watched a blush creep up Lord Snape's cheeks at the sight of Harry's mouth delicately closed around his finger.

Severus moaned. "Oh, Merlin, Harry! Stop doing that!"

Harry blinked a few times then decided to wrap his tongue around the finger as he pulled it out of his mouth. Severus growled at the not so innocent actions of the little tease and muttered just loud enough for him to hear, "Do that one more time and I will apparate both of us back to my house. You can really put that tongue of yours to use." He was actually pleased to note that his soon-to-be spouse was playfully evil.

Mr. Potter decided that he would like to watch the movie. They wound up watching an old Alfred Hitchcock movie involving a bunch of birds. By the time the credits rolled Severus was ready to cry from frustration, sexual frustration that is, because Harry spent the whole movie with his head burrowed up against Sev's neck: Soft lips, warm breath, gentle nuzzling- yep! He was ready to scream.

And now he had to get the boy home. 'Bad thought, Sev.' He mentally chastised himself. What he really had to do was take the boy home. Then his lust filled brain processed 'take the boy'. Severus finally broke down and grabbed Harry.

Harry was perfectly happy to have his back plastered up against a rough stonewall while Severus paid him back for all the teasing. Harold James was more than happy and was, infact, cooperating rather enthusiastically with his 'partner' when they were rudely interrupted by Severus's mobile phone ringing.

He pulled back from Harry slightly and noticed that when he did Harry grabbed him for support. He flipped the phone open and snarled, "What?" After seeing the ID caller was Lucius Malfoy.

"Save something for after the wedding." Came a voice too loud and cheerful for comfort.

"Piss off, you blond bimbo."

Harry's eyes flew wide open when he heard Malfoy say, "Don't forget the terms of your contract, Snape. From where I am standing here across the street from your little hiding place, and it is not much of a hiding place, I can see everything you are doing. Now get the boy home."

Severus slammed the phone closed and whirled around to see Lucius waving at him. That was enough to make him grab Harry and apparate right into the Dursley's back yard. He almost screamed when the unicorn pushed her way in between the two of them and began herding Harry into the house.

His last glimpse of his beloved for the night was Harry blowing a kiss to him while being held at horn point by an angry unicorn. He apparated away, laughter ringing through the garden, as he thought, 'gee, unicorns must not like the concept of pre-marital sex.'

Harry drifted off to sleep thinking about the evening. Just before sleep claimed him, his eyes flew open one last time as he remembered Lucius mentioning 'the terms of the contract'. What precisely did he mean?

* * *

1. Explained in Petunia, NO! about the graphics button

2. Actually a song. I think it is from Sam the Sham called _Little Red Riding Hood_.

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A/N: Hang in the all you faithful Draco fans. I promise he will at least get a snog for all his hard work...


	6. What's in a contract?

Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, or any unicorns. I have never shopped for wands in the second hand bin at Ollivanders either. Sadly, regrettably, I do own a computer attached to the outside world so please understand that while I am not intentionally torturing you, I am not entirely sane! *insert evil Dark Lord Laugh*

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Chapter 6: Fudge the Contract

Harry was awake early the next morning. Not knowing what the marriage contract between himself and Severus contained had contributed to broken and restless sleep. Lucius Malfoy would not have mentioned the contract in front of him if it had not been important. The fact that Sev had not mentioned anything at all to do with it was only serving to get him more agitated.

He had to have the contract. If it was in the house the easiest way to get it was to accio it. Being a mage has its advantages; he raised his hand, palm up and fingers outstretched and summoned it. Then he heard several thumps and bangs as if boxes, drawers, and doors were being opened and closed.

Harry stared in surprise at the small pile of parchments that landed in his hands. Then he grinned and said, "Note to self. Please be more specific when summoning marriage contracts. There seems to be more than one that resides at this address."

The first contract that he glanced at he immediately set aside. It was a wizarding contract which stated that Vernon Dursley, Squib who practiced a trade, and Petunia Evans, Squib spinster, were lawfully wed according to the laws of magic as well as the Church of England. He did not recognize Vernon's attendants but Petunia's two bridesmaids, Miss Lily Evans and Miss Narcissa Black brought a smile to his face.

The second contract was Lily and James's Marriage contract. He set it aside to read later when he was not so stressed out about his own contract.

The third contract had him staring at it bemusedly for a few minutes. He was not sure whether he wanted to study it in depth or set it aside and pretend that he had never seen a contract that gave the Potter Heir the option to ask for a Malfoy's hand in marriage. At the time the contract was written both Harry and Draco had been conceived but not yet born. The House of Malfoy and the House of Potter were both powerful pureblood families and the wives were very good friends trying to bring about a peaceful solution to the tensions building between them because of politics.

The contract at the bottom of the stack was the one he wanted. It had been signed by Lord Snape and Mr. Vernon Dursley on behalf of his minor ward, Master Harold James Potter. It had been witnessed by no less than a full contingent of wizards whom had each placed their own favorite hex on the parchment. The contract itself had been written by the ex-Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.

Harry, being for the most part totally uneducated regarding wizarding contracts, assumed that it was a precise and accurate document. A document so biased against Snape and their marriage in general that he wondered why Fudge had even bothered to pen it.

Harry immediately became indignant with the whole contract. It was an absolute mockery of everything he wanted from a marriage and family. Fudge had started the list of demands by stating that only the children carried by Snape would be recognized as legitimate offspring of the marriage. All children of the marriage would carry the name of Potter. All the assets brought to the marriage by Lord Snape would be absorbed into the Potter holdings and the name Snape would pass into obscurity. Snape could, at no time, dissolve the marriage and decamp from his spouse's abode.

The whole thing was a complete sham and Harry was sobbing heartbrokenly as he sat in the middle of the hallway and clutched the parchment to his chest when Aunt Petunia came downstairs to begin preparing breakfast.

"What has you howling like a banshee already this morning, Harry?" She asked as she sat down beside him and waited expectantly for him to reply.

Harry wiped a few tears off his face and waved the piece of parchment at her. "This contract is just horrible, Aunt Petunia. That idiot Fudge wrote the most atrocious things he could think of and then he made Severus and Uncle Vernon sign it. I don't want this." He began crying again and clutching the parchment close to his chest.

"Let me have a look at it. It probably isn't anywhere near as bad as you say it is." Petunia tried to be reasonable. All she could see was a blank piece of paper with tear smudges on it.

Harry glared at Petunia. "I love him. I wanted to be the one who gets pregnant. I want at least ten babies and I don't ever want to think of a world without little snarky Snapes. There is no way I want Severus to give up all his possessions and I certainly don't want him to be my sex slave."

Petunia cleared her throat gently. "Yes, I know what you mean. There is just something so exciting sometimes about being tied up and the role playing. Of course, it's also quite nice to be the one doling out discipline. You are quite right. You will have to be equals in the bedroom if your sex life is to be fulfilling."

Harry stared at his aunt. He wouldn't for the world admit that he was shocked but...

Petunia didn't notice. She just stretched rather dreamily and said, "Do you think you could do breakfast this morning, Harry? There are just a million little things I need to do upstairs and I'd really like to get started. Maybe you could cook some French toast, scrambled eggs, hash browns and a few rashers of bacon. Also, a good cup of coffee. When you are finished just banish it up to my bedroom. I will bring the tray down later." And then she was gone. Headed back up the stairs to do Merlin knows what...

He couldn't think. It was just too disturbing. He wanted to make sure that Severus got that dreamy look on his face at least once a day for the rest of his life. How was that going to be possible if that stupid contract could not be voided?

Fixing the breakfast that Petunia requested took very little time. He also included a small bowl of mixed fruits with whipped cream. That is the tub of whipped cream. He supposed someone should be happy, Circe knows that he wasn't.

* * *

Harry decided to apparate over to Hermione's house after lunch to ask if she had any ideas on how to change the contract. If it was at all possible Hermione would be the one to know how.

He rang the doorbell for a good five minutes before she answered. Then he spent several minutes apologizing profusely because he had disturbed a small party involving her, Ron, Pansy and the bathtub.

Hermione and Ron were both adamant that the contract was legal and binding and he would have to accept the terms as they were read at the wedding. Then she crushed his dreams completely by adding, "Even if the wedding is to take place a week after your birthday. The contract was signed by Professor Snape and by your uncle. There is no undoing the signatures."

Ron was no help either. He wasn't really peeved that they had been disturbed, but, he much preferred going back upstairs to helping Harry. He slapped him on the back and as he walked him to the door he said, "A wizard contract is unbreakable, Harry. Just get used to it."

And then Harry was standing back out on the doorstep, a closed door between him and his best friends. It was right about that time that he remembered that there had been another contract, one dated prior to the one Snape and Uncle Vernon signed. Maybe Draco could help him.

He decided to go home and get both contracts before heading off to talk to Draco. When he stepped in the kitchen door he was rather surprised to see Petunia and Narcissa sitting at the table. Narcissa was crying and Petunia was holding one of her hands and handing her kleenexes with the other.

He automatically set about making a new pot of tea. Then he served both ladies a fresh cup and sat down with them. "What has you so upset, Narcissa?" He asked as he took a careful look at her.

Before she could answer him both Dudley and Vernon came in. They were just in time to hear her whole explanation. It seems that Charlie had invited her to lunch at a lovely little muggle restaurant and then punctured her dreams by explaining to her that he would not be seeing her anymore because he had met a woman whom he had fallen in love with and they planned to bond.

Dudley nodded his head politely and reminded her that it was best that she hear such news from Charlie. Harry agreed with him and said as much.

Narcissa glared at both of them through her tears and proceeded to set them straight on why exactly she was upset. "You just don't understand. I love Lucius. I never wanted another lover-just him. It took ever so long to get used to Charlie. I had to convince him to grow his hair out and everything. I don't want to find someone else. It is just horrible to think that I am going to spend the next 120 years without any lovely sex." She broke down completely and went back to her pitiful keening.

Dudley and his father exchanged horrified looks and both of them sat down beside her and began crying also. Vernon eyed Petunia mistily and whimpered. "A 120 years without any sex. That has got to be the saddest thing I have ever heard."

Petunia nodded in agreement.

Dudley tried to be all manly and contain his sniffles. He managed to choke out, "120 years!" and lost the battle with the waterworks.

Harry thought about Narcissa's words. 120 years. Then the most fatuous grin appeared on his face as he began mumbling, "Oh, wow! Like a hundred and twenty years of getting to shag Severus Snape every day and sometimes twice...or more..." He jumped up in the air and did a favorable impression of Michael Schumacher winning the German Grand Prix. Jumping and screaming, "YES! YES! YES!" He ran straight for his closet and the two contracts.

Narcissa stopped crying long enough to watch his antics. "He doesn't have to be so happy about it. A little consideration for the rest of us wouldn't be amiss in this situation. Really, Petunia, haven't you taught that boy any manners."

Petunia, watching her nephew with a small smile on her face, just shook her head again and mumbled something about the Potter side of the family. The rest of the members of the round table agreed rather promptly.

Harry spent several minutes in his room looking for the contracts that he had summoned that morning. They were not where he left them so the only logical conclusion was that someone had been in the room and took them away.

He slammed the door as he stepped out of his room and stomped back into the kitchen. For some strange reason his 'march against Rome' did not have the same effect as when Uncle Vernon stomped. It might have had something to do with the fact that he was only about five feet four inches tall and weighed a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet. No one at the table even bothered to look up.

"Who was in my room and why did they take my copy of the marriage contract away?" He refused to let them ignore him. When they refused to answer him he cast a sonorous on himself and roared the question again.

Uncle Vernon looked up at him and blinked. "That is a bloody good trick. How do you do it?"

"I want an answer now, damn it!" Harry was not going to be side-tracked.

Petunia looked up at him and huffed. "Really, Harry. I thought we taught you better than this. Where are your manners? All day long it has been one scene after another! Don't you think it is time for you to stop."

"No! I damn well do not think it is time for me to stop. I want an answer. What happened to the contracts that were in my room earlier?" His eyes were flashing green fire by now and an electrical storm was beginning to build up around him.

Dudley cracked. There was real fear in his eyes as he stuttered, "Snape came by and took them. He didn't say why he needed them."

"If you are lying to me I just might hurt you quite badly." Harry had regained his usual voice but sparks were still leaping around him. "Did Snape say anything at all about where he was going or what he was planning to do after he left here?"

Narcissa glared at the intimidating little wizard. "He is probably hanging out with my impotent spouse! Maybe you should drag your medi-wizard arse over to Malfoy Manor and do something useful like fix him instead of harassing harmless squibs."

Harry bowed to her. "Of course, Your Highness, I'll just apparate over there and fix him right up. By the time you hex the watermarks off the table here he will be sporting his first boner in fifteen years." He finished glaring at the lot of them then left the room mumbling something about it was no wonder Lucius couldn't do his conjugal if he had to put up with Narcissa always sniveling about everything.

That did it for her. He found himself grabbed and apparated to Malfoy Manor before he knew what had happened. Harry was unceremoniously dumped in front of Lucius by his irate spouse who hissed, "Harry is here to fix your little problem! If he hasn't cured you by bedtime tonight I will send him back to Severus in several small pieces...Do I make myself clear?"

Malfoys do NOT blush. Lucius Malfoy just happened to be glowing a nice healthy shade of burgundy? So, blame it on the fire he had going in the hearth. The room must have been a bit warm, yes?

Harry stood up, shook his baggy tee-shirt out, and glared at Narcissa. When she did not take the hint to leave he opened his mouth and roared like the little lion he is purported to be. "You had better get your skinny, white-trash ass out of here before I hex you with a case of creepy-crawly things in your knickers."

Narcissa hissed at him then whirled around to seek back-up from her spouse. "Are you going to let him talk to me in such a fashion?" Her blue eyes certainly were not cold today...

"I believe you invited him here, dear Lady. And since you put us on a schedule you might want to leave and let us get on with it." Lucius did not seem inclined to cater to her. He pointed to the door with one hand and with a bit of his own wandless magic the door flew open. He offered her a smirk while motioning for her to depart from his presence with the other hand.

Narcissa stormed out the door and tried to slam it. All she got for her effort was a mild shock. At her enraged shriek Lucius laughed lightly and settled back in his chair.

"What was that all about?" Harry asked.

Lucius smirked. "Draco hexed the door to shock people when they slam it. He got tired of Nott, and Avery slamming it every time they came to visit." He watched Harry fidget for a moment before saying, "I don't really expect you to be of much help with my problem, Harry. Despite what Severus and Narcissa say about you, I don't think you can work miracles."

Harry grinned. "You might be surprised at what I can do. Poor old Voldie never really had a chance after he got me angry enough. I was a mage before he helped me wake up my sleeping power."

Lucius nodded. "Ah, yes, there was a bit of a stir about that. Quite a pleasant surprise to have that ghastly mark removed from my arm and then watch his reaction when he realized that he would not be able to drain anyone else to bolster his own failing magic."

"Do you know what potion it was that he made you drink?"

"Let me firecall Severus and have him bring all the research over that he has on the subject."

He was almost finished brewing some potions for Poppy and would gather up his notes and be there as soon as he could. In the meantime Harry and Lucius decided to wait in peaceful silence as they had a cup of tea and a slice of Black Forest Gateau to tide them over until dinner was served.


	7. Lemon Drop, Dear Boy?

Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, or any unicorns. I have never shopped for wands in the second hand bin at Ollivanders either. Sadly, regrettably, I do own a computer attached to the outside world so please understand that while I am not intentionally torturing you, I am not entirely sane! *insert evil Dark Lord Laugh*

And a much shorter chapter than usual because the cliffhanger was just so darn good!

* * *

Chapter 7: Lemon Drop, my boy?

Severus managed to come through the fire in a matter of minutes. Lucius was more than pleased to have him show up. Having a discussion on one's sex life with a person younger than your own son was rather disconcerting. Trainee Medi-wizard Potter was being very professional but...it just didn't help with the fact that the wizard in question was such a very young gay virgin... Oh, Merlin, no need to dwell on the technicalities.

Severus sat down in the overstuffed naugahyde chair that Lucius used to reserve for the Dark Wanker and immediately pulled Harry off the arm of it and onto his lap. Harry's only response to that action was to push his glasses back up his nose and continue reading the file he had been handed.

Lucius watched the two of them interact and decided that they would make a lovely pair. Rather like beauty and the beast, or, Dracula and his wife. Only problem with that visual was if he remembered the movie **Love at first Bite** the lady had been blonde. No problem really...he could always finance a new Dracula movie. He could see it now featured as a gay cult classic: **Dracula and his Bitch.**

Harry read the file through thoroughly, went back and checked a few facts, messed up his messy hair as he thought about Lucius's problem for a minute then asked Severus, "Did you remember to ask Headmaster Dumbledore for a tin of lemon drops for me?"

Severus gave him a quick peck on the cheek before answering, "Yes. Let me help you up and I will get them for you." He settled for a quick caress of the hand across Harry's bottom as the boy stood up.

Lucius Malfoy's attention was caught when Harry smiled and shook the can lightly. "Albus swears by these you know. He says they can cure any ailments."

His own eyes lit up. "What is in the can?"

Severus, knowing Malfoy's penchant for tarts (it's not like Narcissa wasn't the first clue!) decided to torture him a bit. "Albus sent Harry a tin of lemon drops."

Lucius pouted. He missed seeing Sev grin and shake his head 'no' at Harry when the boy opened his mouth. When he finished counting to one hundred in his head he looked up and saw Harry setting the unopened tin down beside a box of potions Severus had brought him.

Figuring that he would not get a piece of candy if he didn't beg, he decided to do the guilt trip routine. He blinked a time or two to make his eyes shiny then in his best little-boy voice he whined, "You know, the whole seven years I was at Hogwarts, Dumbledore never once offered me a lemon drop."

Severus grinned behind his hand so that only Harry would see. Harry affected a shocked tone. "You have got to be joking. You must be the only person to ever graduate from Hogwarts without the honor of being invited to partake of the lemon drop tin! That is just appalling, Sir!"

Lucius nodded his head in agreement. "Yes. Yes. Quite true. That feeling of complete dejection was probably what led me to take the Dark Mark. It is things like that that can utterly destroy ones psyche you know."

Severus strode over to the lemon tin. He picked it up and then cleared his throat the same way Dumbledore does just before making an important announcement. Extending the lemon tin toward Lucius he croaked, "Lemon drop, my boy?"

Lucius, caught up in his fantasy...and seeing the coveted tin so close, said, "Yes, please, Headmaster, Sir."

The performance made Harry blink twice. That sounded just like Dumbledore and Draco. He watched as Lucius rolled the lemon drop around in his mouth then caught it in his perfect white teeth and crunched it.

Lucius sat there happily crunching until the taste hit. His eyes flew open and he shuddered sensuously before turning back to the magic tin and begging, "May I please have another lemon drop?" He was actually licking his lips and swallowing convulsively at this point as he eyed the coveted tin.

Severus, still in the spirit of the game, extended the tin and said, "Would you care for another sweet, Mr. Malfoy?" He shook his head in wry amusement as the other man grabbed the tin and hastily shoved a sweet in his mouth before depositing the rest of the tin in one of the cursed drawers of his desk.

Harry blinked and shoved his glasses back up on his nose. "Would you like to the whole tin, Mr. Malfoy?"

Lucius, happy that his plan had worked, nodded to indicate a positive response.

Severus watched him closely over the next few minutes and noticed that Lucius's complexion was becoming rather 'flushed'. His temperature seemed to be rising slightly and he was fidgeting. "Are you having an adverse reaction to those lemon drops you ate?" He finally asked.

Lucius fidgeted some more and tried to move his hands so that the other two would not notice that his robes seemed to be slightly tented in the area of his lap. "I am fine."

"Are you sure? You look rather agitated to me." Harry looked at him closely.

"NO! Really, I am fine." Lucius's voice was a bit high.

This time both men began to seriously observe him. Severus couldn't hide his smirk as he stated the obvious. "You are sexually aroused aren't you?"

Lucius shot him a wide-eyed look. "Severus! That was just totally impolite."

Harry gave him a few minutes to settle down but he was still acting peculiar. "Right then. Stand up and let's have a look at you." He was in full medi-wizard mode and only intended to give his patient a heath check.

Lucius, trapped in a room with two gay men whom he assumed wanted to see 'little Malfoy' forgot all his wizard training and freaked out. Before Harry could explain what he wanted to do to him, Lucius ran out the door screaming for Narcissa to save him.

Harry and Severus gave each other confused looks before exiting the door in pursuit of the screaming, demented blond. They finally located the room he was in by the blast of magic that swirled around the doorjamb and down the hall.

Lucius had invoked the magic of the manor to keep him safe from Harry's checkup. He ran straight to Narcissa and grabbed her up. "Cissy, save me from Potter. He is trying to look under my robes."

"WHY?" She wasn't exactly pleased about something.

Right around the same time that Lucius decided that he made a mistake in coming to his wife for protection, said wife discovered that 'little Malfoy' was awake. He dropped her back on the bed where she had been reclining and backed away. "Um...I..I..I'll just ggg..go on back to the library now."

The two men outside the door exchanged grins as they heard Lucius's voice begin to rise. He seemed to be under a considerable amount of stress as he stared at the sight of the lecherous creature now stalking him. They had no way of knowing that she was in full veela mode, but, they had seen other veela hunting. So it was safe to assume that Lucius was in good hands...

They were just getting ready to head back to the library to get their stuff when they heard the unmistakable sound of a body hitting the door. Then they heard cloth ripping as a man screamed, "NO...NO...OH!...YESssss..." The Dark Guy would have been proud of that hiss. They gave each other a high five and set off down the corridor in a companionable silence.

* * *

Draco sat in his father's chair reading a document when the two of them entered. Severus recognized the parchment as the Potter/Malfoy engagement contract. He rubbed his fingers across the bridge of his nose then walked forward to face Draco.

"When precisely were you going to tell me about this?" The younger blond had tears glistening in his eyes and his voice shook with emotion. "What gives you the right to brandish this document in front of my father and me now?"

Harry rushed forward and pulled Draco up from the chair. "Oh, Draco. Don't. Shush..."

The taller boy looked down, his tearful grey eyes meeting the blindingly sincere green of his Godfather's fiancé. "What am I supposed to do, Harry? That stupid contract says either I marry you if you ask or I get to become a muggle."

* * *

A/N : Is this the part where I say, "IF you don't give me x number of reviews I won't post the next chapter?" Since the number x can be assigned to any number, and I know reviews are expensive, and since the only people who read my stuff are already reviewing; don't worry, my darlings, Draco will be back tomorrow as a happy man!


	8. Cards predict a favorable outcome

Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, or any unicorns. I have never planned a wedding either since I was married in front of a registrar and she gave us the 'short, short' version. For details of the short short version please consult the movie **Spaceballs.**

* * *

Chapter 8: The Tarot reading said what?

Severus moved forward and picked up the contract. "Let's go sit down on the couch and talk about this, ok?"

Draco continued to cling to Harry and whimper periodically. The idea of losing his magic was not something he had ever contemplated seriously before and it was rocking his world.

Harry didn't know what to think about the whole situation. Here was the contract that had gone missing from his room (was it only that morning?), more people had read it, AND he still did not know what it said. He looked over at his official fiancé and said, "Do you think you could read the contract out loud to us. I still haven't got to read it and I really would like to know what it says."

Severus eyed his green-eyed intended as he sat there holding the hiccupping blond. "I didn't actually intend to pick this up this morning when I went to get your copy of our contract. It had been stuck to ours and I didn't notice until I was sorting the papers back into order to hand to the clerk at the Ministry."

"Why did you take the contract from me?" Harry was perplexed. "Surely you had your own copy of it?"

Severus grinned. "I did have a copy but you had the original. When the full contingent of wizards hexed the contract, Dumbledore put an extra curse on yours."

Draco stopped crying and looked over at Severus. "Oh, that is why you were willing to sign the contract without any quarrel. I wondered why you would let Fudge write the contract and you not argue about the terms he stipulated."

Harry was still confused. "What?"

Draco grinned at him. "Several powerful wizards hexed the parchment before Fudge wrote it out. Fudge wrote a worst case scenario because he doesn't like either you or Sev and wanted you to be miserable together."

"I still don't understand. Why did they hex the paper?"

"Because everyone knew what Fudge would write. Daddy hexed the parchment to correct the heir clause. Flitwick cast one to counter the partnership clause. Severus gambled on the fact that you would want to be equal partners in the marriage so he hexed it to give you what you desired from the marriage. And, Dumbledore cast the 'tears for fears' curse so that you would cry on the contract while you complained about all the clauses you didn't agree with."

Big green eyes blinked occasionally as they stared at a grinning Potions Master. "You gambled on the fact that I would cry on the damn contract?"

"Yes, Brat. I gambled on the fact that you would loudly and clearly state every condition you found unacceptable and then tell anyone who was listening exactly what it was that you did want."

"What would you have done if I had not cried on the contract?"

"I would have wed you regardless. I love you." The smile never left his face even when his arms were filled with an exuberant brat squeezing him to death while raining kisses all over his face and neck.

Draco looked on, pleased that all was going well. He could not help but brag when they finally came up for air, "Good thing I reminded Daddy that he needed to go check on you two last night, huh?"

Harry stopped kissing Severus and turned around to look at Draco. "What did you remind him to do?"

Draco smirked. "I reminded him to mention the contract so that you would go looking for it. I know how insatiably inquisitive you are. Good thing I did too, because today was the last day the contract could be changed. Severus took an awful chance with you."

Severus's arms tightened around Harry so that he could not move away. Harry's tense body told him that he needed to talk. Draco had said too much and Harry was upset again. His whiskey dark voice sounded in Harry's ear as he whispered the words, "I can't live without your sunlight. As the world falls down."

Harry moaned contentedly and settled back against his big sexy Snape. "I love that movie."

"It isn't so much a movie as it is an autobiographical of how Queen Sarah ascended the Goblin throne."

"I am..."

Harry was cut off by Draco who had been eyeing the two of them rather thoughtfully. "What do we do about that betrothal contract?"

Harry tilted his head slightly so he could look at Sev's face. He licked his lower lip teasingly before saying, "Read it to me?"

Severus tilted his head so that he could kiss Harry silly before reaching across the cushions to pick the parchment back up. He settled back into a comfortable spot and waited until Harry wiggled around a bit then quieted. He began reading, "I, Lily Potter, being of sound mind and body do hereby make an agreement with Narcissa Black Malfoy, also of sound mind and body to unite the great and honorable houses of Potter and Malfoy by offering into betrothal our progeny...I, Narcissa Black Malfoy do hereby give into the House of Potter my eldest child to be wedded to the Potter Heir..."

Severus read the document through then looked across at Draco. "I will stand-down in my contractual claim to wed Harry. Your contract takes precedence."

Draco's eyes flared wide. He jumped up and moved to where he could kneel in front of Severus and Harry. Harry, sensing a momentous event, immediately sat up and scooted off Sev's lap in order to give his undivided attention to Draco.

Draco waited with bowed head until Harry extended a shaking hand and touched his cheek softly. Looking up at the two of them he immediately started babbling before he lost his nerve. "You honor me, Godfather. I know what this marriage means. I cannot let you renounce your claim to wed Harry. He did not ask for me. I accept mother's decision to have me become a muggle."

Severus was almost hysterical. "No! You cannot do that! I refuse to let you become a muggle when I could have prevented it." He reached forward and was clutching Draco's hands.

Harry watched the pain flicker across Draoc's face as Severus clutched his hands too hard. The distraught older man did not realize his own strength at times. He also did not think of the obvious when he was under stress. He couldn't resist saying, "Sev, do you think that you could let go of Draco's hands before you break a bone? You are obviously overset to the point where you aren't thinking."

Severus dropped Draco's hands and sputtered, "Oh, sorry!" Then turning to Harry he blinked a few times.

"You want to know what you missed, right?"

Sev nodded.

"Do either of you have a problem with the three of us being bonded together?" Harry grinned at their shocked looks that quickly mutated into consideration, then outright joy. "I don't exactly love Draco the way I do you, but I could probably learn to care for him quite easily." Harry's hand drifted back across Draco's face to take the sting out of his words.

Severus shifted slightly then pulled Draco up to join them on the couch. The three of them were laughing and crying at the same time when Lucius and Narcissa drifted back into the library in search of the lemon drop tin.

Narcissa grinned and dog-piled them. "Yeah! A scrum!" She bounced on Draco's lap and quickly lost her smile when he dropped her butt first onto the floor. "What has you riled up, Dragon?" She pouted as she stood up and rubbed her bruised posterior.

"Mommy! How could you? It could have been the most awful mess if Harry and Severus had not asked me to marry them!"

"What are you on about now?" Lucius snarled as he patted his wife's bottom. "IF you hurt your mother I will use my cane on you!"

"Just look at that stupid contract she wrote out! And then she didn't even bother to tell me about it."

Lucius put on his reading spectacles and grabbed the parchment that Draco waved under his nose. It took him very little time to assimilate the gist of the document. Glaring at his cowering wife who had suddenly gone very pale he screeched, "what the hell were you thinking about when you wrote this, you stupid woman?'

Narcissa blinked at her irate spouse. "I..I.. I." She couldn't force any more words out so she broke down crying and dashed out the door. (A Veela tends to get upset when their mate isn't happy.) Lucius shook his head at the other three and said, "I will talk to you in the morning. I must tend to her: I love that woman but she is a real pain in the ass at times."

* * *

Harry awoke the next morning feeling warm and content. Draco was cuddled up beside him still snoring away. He couldn't help but poke him until he woke up and then asked, "Why are you in bed with me, Draco? I specifically remember taking you upstairs and putting you in the second guest room."

Draco gave him a pitiful look. "I did try to sleep upstairs but I couldn't get to sleep because Dudley was snoring louder than the soundtrack for _Chainsaw Massacre_! And, then there was that ungodly noise from Uncle Vernon. I swear I just slept with you. I didn't do any of those things that Malfoys tend to do when they are in bed with someone else."

That statement was so utterly ridiculous that Harry had to laugh. "Just what type of things do Malfoys tend to do when they are in bed with someone, Draco?"

"I can show you after we get married, OK?"

Harry nodded his agreement. "Come on. Let's go make breakfast. I think we have some more gingersnap cookies. We can transfigure them into death eater biscuits. That should make a nice breakfast, don't you think?"

It took very little time for both boys to get ready to start the day. The only problem they encountered was Severus sitting at the breakfast table with Aunt Petunia. He glared at them as they exited the closet under the stairs. "What were you two doing sleeping together before the wedding?" He growled.

Harry went around the table and crawled up into his lap as he pushed his chair back. Rather than answer him, Harry decided that kissing him would be nicer. They separated several minutes later and Severus turned his glare to Draco.

"I am still waiting for an answer?" He glared. "That was Harry's room you came out of."

Draco blinked at the jealous man. "I only came downstairs and slept in Harry's bed because Dudley and Uncle Vernon were both snoring too loudly for me to fall asleep." He really was very good at whining. Harry suspected the whining was a self-defense mechanism, a pattern of learned behavior, from having been around Pansy Parkinson too long.

The only reason Severus dropped the subject was because Aunt Petunia smirked at Draco and said, "I can't sleep either unless I have my earplugs in."

Draco blinked and turned a lovely shade of pink. "Oh Merlin! I could have cast a silencing charm and I did not even think of it. No wonder you are in a snit with me, Sev."

Harry decided to go on outside and cuddle his unicorns a few last times before he got married and did all the things he was terribly curious about and absolutely dying to try. He really was going to miss them. It had been absolutely smashing to ride the mother unicorn around. And Lasting Hope was a fantastic little friend. It really was going to be hard losing them.

Draco chose to go sit on the back step and lean his head back to catch some sun. He was surprised when the mother unicorn came over and gave him a big slurpy. He smiled at the animal and gave her a scratch behind the ears. "Thank you, I think." She nickered before ambling away.

Severus watched the three of them playing through the window and sighed. "Do I even have the right to destroy that innocence?"

Petunia gave him a weak smile. "I could always give you a tarot reading. Harry taught me and I really am quite good at it. All you have to do is take a deep breath and calm yourself. Think about what the issue is and shuffle the cards."

Severus glanced at her in surprise. "I don't usually go in for the divination stuff." He turned back to the window. "I know I want to be with him forever. He is the missing part of my soul. I just don't know if I should take him away from all of this. I don't want to take away his purity."

Petunia sat there and observed him as he gazed entranced at his beloved. She saw the smile that gradually crept up on his face. She noted the pleasure he derived from watching the younger man playing joyfully with the frisky colt.

She got up and handed him the deck to shuffle. He did so and handed the whole deck back to her without ever glancing down at them. He handed her back the five cards she requested he pull from the deck and did not turn to her until she gave a small squeal of delight once all five cards were laid out in pattern.

He finally looked over at her. "Well, get on with it since you are dying to tell me."

Petunia's face was rather flushed as she assimilated all the facts. She took a deep breath and began:

The first card you drew is the 9 Cups which usually stands for wishes fulfilled or a visualization of what you want. It represents **past influences** and since you drew it upside down it takes on the meaning of mistakes, material loss, imperfections, and misplaced trust.

Severus blinked lazily but did not say anything except, "Next card then?"

Your second card represents the **present.** The 10 Wands represents perseverance, burdens and resentfulness. You drew it upright which indicates that the overburdened feelings, excessive pressure, and problems may soon be resolved.

"OK. That is reasonable."

Petunia continued. The next card is from the Major Arcana and represents **major influences**. VI – the Lovers: this indicates combined feelings of head and heart. It is also upright which indicates that there is love, beauty and perfection. Troubles will be overcome and trust, honor and deep feelings will guide you.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds then looked back out the window. "You may continue."

She did. The fourth card is the **advise card**. The 10 Coins usually stands for prosperity, wealth, family and home. It is upside down which indicates bad odds, possible loss, hazard, loss of inheritance...

"I get the point. Move on."

Petunia looked up at him startled. His tone of voice had been extremely curt. "OK... where was I now? Oh, yes. The fifth card represents **the outcome**. This too, is from the Major Arcana. VII, the Chariot, represents self control, self discipline, confidence and optimism. This one was also drawn face up. It indicates that greatness can be achieved if you keep physical and mental powers in balance. Possible adversity may already be overcome but you still might want to pay attention to controlling any conflicting turmoil, vengeance and the need for supervision.

Severus turned to her and gave her a bow and a slight clap of his hands. "That was most excellently read, Madam. Thank you for your time. You have given me much to think about but I must depart soon. May I go into the garden to be with Harry a few minutes before I depart?"

"Yes. Yes, Of course. Have a nice day." She quit talking when she realized that Severus was waiting for her to dismiss him. She waved her hand toward the door.

She could not resist going down the hall and opening Harry's door. She stared in wonder at the sight of the three wizards holding each other, arms wrapped tightly around the others. Sev's cheek resting against the side of Draco's head, and Harry's face tucked into the hollow formed where shoulder meets neck on Severus. They looked so perfect together. Having two unicorns nudge their way into the huddle was a bit strange though.

* * *

Harry came back in the house after Severus and Draco had apparated away. He couldn't help but glance over at the table where the cards were still lying. "What did you read, Aunt P?" He asked curiously. "Those are some pretty interesting cards."

Petunia shuffled them back together before looking at him. "If you believe in divination, then the worst of it is behind you. You might have a minor problem or two but, nothing you can't sort out. The final outcome is quite favorable."

"Oh, good. I think." He rubbed his head and went over to the tea pot to see if there was a last cup he could get before starting his work day. As he stood at the counter drinking the tea, Aunt Petunia drifted back into the room with her diary and motioned him to sit.

"Now, Harry, since you are marrying two wizards instead of one, we need to get Narcissa involved and maybe another lady to represent Severus's interests while we work out the details. Now, who can you recommend to help?"

Harry looked at the list with glazed eyes. How in the name of Merlin were they to accomplish all that? It took a gentle shake from Petunia to refocus him. "Yes?"

" I asked if you knew another woman who could help Narcissa and me with the planning. I think it would work best if I took care of your details, Narcissa took on Draco's and the other lady can speak to Severus and represent his interests."

He just shook his head. "I only know two women who even speak to him. I suppose we could ask either Professor McGonagall or Mrs. Weasley."

Petunia stood up and began cleaning the kitchen. When Harry just sat there she huffed at him. "Get moving, brat. Call the Mrs. woman first. The professor might be busy."

"Yes, Aunt Petunia."

The wedding was finally a reality to him. He was getting the gorgeous, snarky Potions Master of his dream. And a Malfoy. Now just how lucky can one guy get?


	9. 2 for 1 Bridal Sale?

Disclaimers: No, I do not own the Harry Potter universe. I only molest the little characters because it is fun and I can. No money changes hands either.

* * *

Chapter 9: 2 for 1 Bridal Sale

The week leading up to the wedding of the year was quickly slipping away. Things were actually going quite well for the three wizards. Everything had been planned. They would exchange their vows at Hogwarts with a genereal reception for the public. A more formal, private reception would be held at Malfoy Manor later in the evening. Dobby would be baking the grooms' cakes. Herms was in charge of entertainment and Mrs. Longbottom and Mrs. Malfoy were taking care of all the decorating, seating arrangements, guest lists, flowers and other miscellaneous items. Lucius was even helping by organizing the presents and arranging rooms for off-the-continent wizards who were attending. All the boys did was pick out their robes, rings, attendants, and honeymoon spot. Molly Weasley had been unable to help since she was working on Charley and his new significant other's bonding ceremony.

Their special license had been arranged by the new Minister of Magic herself. The new MoM, a Scotswoman by the name of Goldie McFadden, had approved the three-way bonding ceremony after reading all the contracts involved. Goldie had several redeeming qualities which Fudge hadn't: the more obvious ones being brains, finesse, fashion sense, and a phoenix tattoo on her left bum cheek...(An obvious sore point with Minerva who only managed to get Albus to put her phoenix on her right shoulder blade.)

The _**Daily Prophet**_ was quite irritated that once again the _**Quibbler**_ did a scoop on the latest scandal to rock the wizarding world. The centerfold picture of Harry being flanked by his two partners was a guarantee of having a sold out edition. Rita Skeeter was positively rabid over the situation. Lavender Brown, a free lance reporter, had been invited to do the interview simply because she was a Gryffindor. Life just was not fair...

And the poster itself: Women like a man who looks good in a speedo...

Life was just about perfect for Harry Potter and his fiancés. The only problem Harry had with the whole deal was the fact that he desperately wanted to get laid. Severus was downright evil about kissing him, caressing him, and whispering wicked suggestions on what they could do on their honeymoon. Draco was just as evil as Severus: his favorite topic of discussion while brushing Harry's hair or cuddling with him was to go on _ad nauseum_ about his favorite positions, the best tasting lubricants, and tricks to make a wizard last longer.

* * *

On this particular day, two days before the bonding ceremony, the three of them decided to go out to dinner. They were currently sitting in the Leaky Cauldron trying to decide on appetizers. Severus had spent the day at his house brewing potions. Harry had been at the Dursley's revising some of his medi-wizardry notes. And Draco spent the day lying in bed watching the ceiling spin around and around until he couldn't take anymore of it and called for him mummy to come help him.

By the time Draco returned from visiting Madam Pomfrey he did not know whether to laugh or cry. It was not going to be easy breaking the news to Harry and Severus that he was about ten weeks pregnant. He was thrilled to death that he would be having a baby, but he was also scared that Harry and Sev would not want him as he was.

Draco's mind kept drifting back to how he had fallen pregnant. Terrence Hicks, the one boy Draco had been intimate with while he was still at school, had just asked him to bond with him. It was just after Easter Hols and Terrence had risked the wrath of his Quidditch team to come spend a Hogsmeade day with Draco. It had been a match approved by both families so neither boy had felt the need to restrain themselves. They had spent the day like any young couple in love does. Terrence had met him at the door outside the Great Hall at Hogwarts and they had walked hand in hand into town. They played in the shops, had lunch, watched a muggle movie at **Eye Screams** **Magical Theater,** then retired to Terrence's room on the second floor of the Three Broomsticks.

The day had gone downhill from there. On the way back to Hogwarts late that night Terrence and Draco had the misfortune to encounter a Death Eater Party. Draco had managed to get back to Hogwarts and warn Dumbledore of their plans, but Terrence had been mortally wounded by several curses and died in the infirmary a few days later.

Draco shook himself out of his reverie. He really could wait no longer to tell the other two what was wrong with him. . Best to just get it over with so he took a deep breath and dived in. Reaching across the table to where Harry's hand was lying and touching it with his fingers he managed to say, "There is something I need to tell you two."

Harry entwined his fingers with Draco's and gave him a happy smile. "What?"

Severus lowered his menu that he had honestly been perusing. "This sounds serious. Do you want to talk here or shall we go upstairs?"

Draco felt Harry's fingers tighten when he heard that and had to flash him a reassuring grin. "Here is good."

Harry pinched his finger. "Stop that, you horny little git! We know you are in heat, but you will just have to wait!"

Severus gave Harry a heavy lidded glance and poked his tongue out of his mouth to lick his bottom lip. He smirked at his victim when he was rewarded with a small moan.

Draco smiled at their antics. "Quit you two! I need you to listen to me."

Severus dragged his eyes away from the green eyed imp. "Yes, Draco. I am listening."

"Me too!"

Draco nodded and took a deep breath. "You guys know that I was sick all morning right?"

"Yes." Both heads nodded.

"I finally had Mummy take me to Madame Pomfrey. She ran several tests before she figured out what was wrong."

"And?" Severus cocked an eyebrow.

He scared Draco so badly that Draco turned to Harry in a rush and choked out. "I am pregnant."

Harry lit up like a Christmas tree. "Wow! That's great, Draco." He lunged at the bigger boy and gave him an enthusiastic hug.

Severus got the totally wrong idea. He scooted his chair back and stood up in a huff. "How could you do this to me, Harry?"

Harry let go of Draco and blinked at Sev. "What?"

"YOU...TOLD ME THAT NOTHING HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY WHEN DRACO SPENT THE NIGHT WITH YOU. AND.. I BELIEVED YOU." Severus was so agitated that he didn't realize he was screaming loud enough for everyone outside in the street to hear him.

Harry stood up too. He drew himself up to his magnificent height of sixty-four inches and managed to look down his nose while glaring up at the big pompous git. "You had better be joking."

Severus glared right back. "Deadly serious." He whispered the words for good measure.

Harry gave an enraged shriek and began mumbling invectives too low for anyone else to hear. Finally coming to a decision he stopped mumbling. "Do you intend to apologize?"

"Not anytime soon." Severus was starting to doubt his own sanity at this point. The little pissed off wizard in front of him was not repentant...he was frothing at the mouth homicidal.

Harry whirled away from Severus and just before apparating away he looked over at Draco. "Call me when you are finished here!"

Severus was still glaring at the empty spot when he realized that Draco was sitting there at the table, slunk down in the chair, clapping. When he managed to get his head to stop buzzing he distinctly heard him say, "Bravo! Bravo!"

Sev stared at Draco. "What the hell just happened?"

"Off hand- I'd say you just performed an outstanding exercise in stupidity. And, in case you care, Harry is pretty damn angry with you right about now."

The older man blinked and sat down. He really wasn't feeling well. The surge of adrenalin was starting to wear off and he was beginning to recognize some of the flaws in his initial assessment. "Tell me that I did not just enrage my fiancé so badly two days before the wedding that he just left."

'Fraid so, Potions Master! If you plan to marry him you are going to have to apologize. That is IF you can find him in time."

Snape sat there breathing deeply to dispel his headache then asked, "Why did you bring this up today?"

Draco looked at him scathingly. "Did it ever occur to you that Harry might not want a baby in the family that does not belong to either him or you?"

"So the baby is not Harry's?"

"No! You are so dense at times. Harry lives for you. I would have never stood a chance with him if it had not been for that stupid contract. Hell, even if I do marry you two I may never get laid again."

Severus looked at Draco quizzically. The deep red blush on Draco's face told him more than he needed to know. "You fell in love with Harry too, didn't you?"

Draco nodded listlessly as he focused his gaze on a spot on the table. "He is just so wonderful once you look past the Perfect Potter image that we all branded him with."

"Let's go see if Harry went home. You can tell me all about it, and maybe help me fix whatever damage I just did to our bonding."

"Harry would not have gone home. He probably went to Hogwarts or somewhere equally difficult to find his magical signature." He got up from the table and walked out the door with Severus.

"Who is the father of your baby?" The question startled Draco slightly since they had been walking along quietly for some time. They had decided to check the shops in Diagon Alley before going to the Dursleys.

"Do you remember the Death Eater raid at Easter?"

"Yes."

"Well, Terrence and I were together that day. He had asked me to bond with him and I had said yes. His family and mine arranged a marriage contract, and we celebrated a few weeks early."

Severus looked at him appraisingly. "Yes. He would have been a good match. Did you bond with him?"

Draco shook his head. "No."

"How do you feel about all this?"

Draco understood the question. "I loved Terrence, I still do love Terrence, but he wasn't my soul mate. Losing him was not the end of the world. I grieved for him right up until the day that Harry killed Voldie. That night I had a vision of Terrence telling me to quit crying and move on. He said he loved me and he would always be with me- I didn't realize he meant the baby."

Sev nodded in understanding.

"But I am not sure how I will manage if you and Harry don't accept me. I sort of love you both rather desperately. Losing Terrence was, to a certain extent, like having my wrist cut open. Losing you and Harry will be like having my heart ripped out...I won't survive."

That ended the conversation. Severus led him back to the Leaky Cauldron and they flooed to the Dursley House. Petunia took them into the kitchen and sat them down at the table with Vernon and Dudley. The four men sat there quietly drinking tea until Petunia broke the silence.

"Are you looking for Harry or avoiding him?"

Severus smirked at her audacity. "We came to see if he had been here. I upset him earlier and he left in a huff."

"Oh." She just refilled Vernon's teacup then moved around to get Draco's. She didn't know what to say so she nudged Vernon.

He looked up at her then got the message. He was supposed to say something...so he cleared his throat and uttered the first words that entered his head. "Well, don't let it bother you. It is always darkest just before the dawn."

Both wizards peered at him quizzically. Feeling rather like it was his turn to speak, Dudley opened his mouth, "It's also the best time to steal your neighbors newspaper."

* * *

A/N: And now since I will be busy the rest of the weekend I hope you all have a nice one! Just like last time: the wedding is not cooperating for some reason. Gred and Forge probably have something to do with it. They have been too busy cuddling with Milli to do their job properly. Besides the fact that we have just lost one of the grooms...


	10. Centaurs and Hogs

Disclaimers: No, I do not own the Harry Potter universe. I only molest the little characters because it is fun and I can. No money changes hands either. I also like to poke fun at The Mummy. Seriously what kind of a nut case would even want to exist looking like he does?

* * *

Chapter 10: Hogs to the rescue

The road to hell is paved with good intentions: Probably lucky for Harry that he had no specific intentions at that particular moment. He walked away from the Leaky Cauldron feeling a hopeless sort of rage, directed mostly at Severus Snape. The man really had managed to piss him off. Harry was aware of the fact that he was probably overreacting, but Merlin! Sev hadn't even asked any questions, he had just opened his mouth and started shrieking.

Harry reckoned that he probably should walk down to the end of the street and talk to Fred and George before he wandered on over to Hogwarts to see Minerva. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life with Severus acting like a jealous shrew. Might as well find a way to fix it now rather than wait until he had to hex him back to Russia (Or wherever it is that the hook-nosed variety of Snape originated from.)

Fred opened the door with a flourish and hauled him into the shop while yelling, "Make way! Seriously bad wizard coming through."

Harry glared at him as several people jumped out of the way before realizing that it was Harry Potter who had just entered the shop. "Would you shut up with that nonsense!"

George vaulted over the counter and began bowing in front of him. "Oh please, Harry, we haven't got to say that in such a long time."

Harry narrowed his eyes at the two of them. "What did I tell you two about hanging out with Jarreth? He is not the King of the Goblins for nothing." He watched identical faces smirk at each other before beginning their lying protestations. "Don't lie to me."

They backed up slightly and focused on the little black haired maniac in front of them. "Harry, we didn't do anything." Their whining and cowering only served to make him more paranoid.

Harry glowered. "What are you hiding? If I find out that your stupid bloody jokes are actually harming people I will close you down faster than you can say, "My mommy snogs Dumbledore."

Both boys looked rather strange as they turned a peculiar shade of green and began gagging. Harry continued to glower at them even as he was chastised by Hagrid, who had entered behind him and was currently standing beside the canary cream bin counting out sweets for his thestrals. "That there was a bit harsh wasn't it, Harry? After all, Dumbledore's a great wizard. I can't see him messing around with Order members. Well, except Minerva, but they are a little bit of a special case."

He noticed everyone staring at him wide-eyed and blinked nervously. "Well, I'll just pay for these and be going back to Hogwarts then." As he stepped past Harry he whispered"Forget I said that. I shouldn't have said that." (Sorry, we can't manage Hagrid's brogue.)

Fred and George snickered at the half-giant's embarrassment. "It's alright, Hagrid. At least we know Mummy doesn't snog the Headmaster now, don't we."

Hagrid just mumbled and handed them the bag of sweets to weigh. Just before he left he remembered something and turned around to speak to Harry one last time. "Are you still working on being a Medi-Wizard, Harry?"

Harry looked up when he spoke. "Yes, Hagrid. Just because Severus, Draco and I are going to bond doesn't mean that we are all going to give up our plans and live in each others pockets."

"Well, the reason I asked was because Bane came to see me earlier on today and told me that some of the younglings had eaten a strange plant and they were all falling ill. He wanted me to ask you to visit with him as soon as you could."

"What time did you speak to him, Hagrid" Harry was all business.

"I headed this way right after lunch. Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy were talking with Dumbledore and Mr. Malfoy mentioned that young Draco would be at the Leaky Caldron if he managed to get out of the Hospital wing."

"And you just managed to catch me here instead of at the Leaky Cauldron?" Harry watched the big man squirm.

"Well, I was just getting ready to go over to your table when Professor Snape started yelling. When you apparated out the door and walked down the street I reckoned it would be OK to follow you."

Harry nodded. He waited until Hagrid counted out the correct coins for George. After watching him slip the bag into one of the voluminous pockets of his mole skin coat, Harry huffed, "Are you ready then?"

Hagrid nodded at him, not fully understanding the question. He then squeaked in surprise at finding himself standing outside his hut with the little wizard stepping back from him and grinning like a lunatic. "Harry, you ought not do that. You scared me a fair bit, you did."

Harry laughed. "Come on. Let's go see where Bane is. If he came to you it must be pretty serious." They took off in the general direction of where Hagrid usually met the centaurs.

They followed a twisting path into the forest for some minutes before Harry looked up and saw a blood red female centaur pawing the ground agitatedly. "It took you long enough to get here, Harry Potter. We are desperate. The unicorns say you are the best of healers and we need your help."

Harry walked up to her. "I came as fast as I could. I will do what I can."

She looked over at Hagrid. "Go home, big man. I will take him to our camp and bring him back when it is time." She knelt, forelegs on the ground, so that Harry could mount. Then she whirled around and was gone before Hagrid could argue.

He sighed dejectedly and turned to go home. It would serve no purpose for him to try to find the camp although he so wanted to meet everyone. And then make sure Harry was alright.

Hagrid, being Hagrid, promptly forgot to tell anyone where Harry was. He went on with his duties as Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts as if taking someone into the Forbidden Forest and leaving them there was regular business. Of course with him taking children into the forest at all hours of the day and night, this may just have been normal.

* * *

Harry effectively disappeared without a trace. Had he actually tried to do something as stupid as escape from Severus, he would not have managed to get out of Diagon Alley. Harry had long since given up on plotting, he simply wasn't a Slytherin- he was just so concerned about the centaurs that he forgot to tell anyone where he was going.

He was in the centaur camp within a matter of minutes. The red female, whose name was Flame, was truly concerned because two of her foals were ill from eating whatever the plant was.

By the time he got there, the camp had all eight of the younglings settled down in one place and was trying to make them comfortable. The little ones were having the hardest time and they were all fading. The plant was poisoning them all very slowly.

The first thing he did was cast diagnostic spells on the sick children. Flame refused to leave his side and helped him with cataloguing the symptoms and filling him in on what all had been done so far. Harry blanched when she told him that forcing beazor stones down their throats had not helped either. He just knew it was going to be a long night as he set up some equipment for doing blood analysis on the sick and their parents.

Some thirty-odd hours later, Harry was practically sobbing in frustration. He had managed to put the sick centaurs in a magical stasis so they would not deteriorate further, but he was having a horrible time trying to make his way through an obscure text dealing with centaur physiology that one of the centaur elders had found and insisted he read.

Harry was ready to beat his head against the nearest tree just to find some blessed relief. If he had his way he would have called in Severus, Dumbledore, Poppy and any number of other people- yet even faced with certian death if he failed, the centaurs had adamantly refused to let him consult with anyone else. They left it to Flame to explain the intricacies of centaur life to him.

Under normal circumstances they would have just let the young ones die, but with seven of the sick being females they could not in good conscience let them pass away. The herd, itself, was beginning to decline from passive neglect.

The whole 'heal the babies' issue boiled down to one fact: Bane would do anything to keep his mare happy. If that meant bringing a human into the camp to heal her children then it would be done. (He's finally learning to be a responsible parent!)

Sometime after the forty hour mark, Harry had finished the centaur physiology book and performed a few more tests. One of those tests involved analyzing the regurgitated remains from the stomach of a sick foal. He finally identified the undigested bits as part of a plant which Flame said was a prized delicacy among the Centaurs once it was stewed with acromantula meat in a special clay jar used to remove the spider's venom.

He finally had one of the centaurs take him to where the plant was growing. He immediately noticed that the plant was growing in spots of high ground where it could get away from pits of strange colored porous clay. Thanks to having the Potions Master from Hell as his instructor, he recognized the clay as a bonding agent normally used to extract certain minerals from a potion.

He sighed with relief as he directed the centaur to bring other centaurs with buckets so they could scoop up some of the precious clay and take it back to the camp. He intended to plaster the babies down with the compound and see if it worked the same way on sentient organisms as it did on inanimate objects. Before he could put the clay on them though he had to bring each foal out of stasis and then spell it back to sleep.

Just before dusk Harry and the centaurs who were helping him got all the little ones coated in the clay substance. Harry then spent the night keeping the clay on them moist so it would work on drawing the poison out of them. Bane was terribly cross that Harry had performed a hair removal charm on all of them and they looked even more pathetic with their gaunt little ribs practically poking through translucent skin. It did serve the purpose of putting the clay into direct contact with the skin though and that helped the pultices work faster.

The last thing he had to do was wake the lot of them up. After pausing a minute to think about what he wanted to do, Harry approached the half circle of sleeping centaurs. He smiled radiantly at Flame, threw a casual smirk at Bane, then bent forward slightly while deepening his voice to a gritty base tone, chanted, "Centaurs come alive!" Arms outstretched, he made a motion as if pulling power from the earth. (And why not? It works for the Mummy Imhotep.)

He assumed his mission was successful when he saw the eight little ones jump up and stagger toward their parents, whinnying in various tones of terror. He was so tired it took him a few seconds to realize that when he called up the magic to pull the little ones out of stasis, he had, in fact, summoned something from the ground. "Who in the name of Merlin are you lot?" He asked. The expression of 'eyes bugged out of his head' certainly fit ol' green eyes.

* * *

**WARNING: SELF-INSERTIA TO AVOID THIS PLEASE GO TO NEXT PAGE BREAK!**

The middle biker pulled her helmet off and looked him up and down. "'You Harry Potter?"

"Yes."

"Good. We are the Fragonknights and we have been sent by Merlin to make sure you arrive at your wedding in time to shower and dress for it."

Harry looked at them slightly confused. "My wedding?"

FK03 pulls off her helmet and makes hacking noise before reaching to pull one glove off. "Damn braces. Always getting something caught in them. Sometimes it's a real bitch to live like muggles." Pulls unidentified object out of brace wire then returns glare to Harry. "We were sent to remind you that you are scheduled to be married at Hogwarts in less than three hours. Do you plan to come peacefully? Or, do you intend to resist? At which point we warn you that we shall stuff this portkey somewhere it will take a surgeon to remove it."

Harry turned ghostly white and keeled over just after recognition dawned. "Oh, Circe! I'm getting married today!"

FK01 motions for Firenze to drop Harry across the back of Ratty's Harley. Ratty immediately complains, "But, Mummy, I don't like him. I'd rather cruise around with a chick on my bike."

"Do what you are told for once or I won't let you be a self-insertia any more, understand?" FK01 manages to look menacing. (Probably because she had not taken her helmet off.)

"Yes, Mummy." A resigned Ratty Baggins rearranges the unconscious Potter and drives off toward Hogwarts following the rest of his stupid gang. Since he did not turn off his microphone clip the other three could hear him complaining about stupid bitches, fag-boys, and why the hell couldn't he ever get a job toting a total babe around?

FK02 finally becomes irritated enough to speak. "Can it, Rat. I'll personally make sure you get stuck sitting between Mary Kate and Ashley next time we attend the opera."

Rat retaliates by screaming, "I'd rather be a fag!"

Harry wakes up and realizes that he is on the back of a motorbike trolling through the woods at a good clip and the guy doing the driving seems to have issues with gender orientation. "If you don't like gay people you can stop and let me off. Truly it will not be a problem." The bike did not have the same feel of joyous freedom that a broom does, or maybe it was the feeling of impending doom- something about excess speed, large trees and low maneuverability.

The only response he got was, "Shut the hell up. I can't think, listen, and drive at the same time. And, could you please stop shaking and hold on?"

Harry begins cackling maniacally. "I know that voice. You are the guy that answers the phone using the phrase: 'Hi. I'm blond. Please speak slowly and clearly into the phone. Thank you.' Aren't you?"

Ratty, ego gratified, admits that it is true. "Yep, been saying that since I was ten years old."

They skidded around a turn and found themselves racing across the lawn towards the back side of Hogwarts. The noise of four roadhogs was deafening and had alerted some extremely anxious wizards of their approach.

Two tall sexy wizards make a mad dash toward Ratty and his passenger. One roaring, "Harry James Potter, where the hell have you been?" The other roaring, "Don't you ever pull a stunt like that again, Potter!"

Harry slinks down behind the Rat and mumbles, "Do you think maybe you could get me out of here? All of a sudden getting married doesn't sound so good."

In answer to his prayer, Rat spins the bike around while doing a good 30MPH. The result was for HJP to go sliding off the back of the bike straight into the waiting arms of a tall, skinny, black haired, bad tempered wizard. Who immediately snatched him up and began snogging him silly.

* * *

**SELF-INSERTIAL COMPLETED**....almost.

Harry managed a few seconds of looking at Sev's worried face before he was gently pulled away from him and drawn into a cuddle with Draco. He could not hold back the laughter as he heard Draco whispering, "I love you, but if you ever leave me alone with that crazy bastard again I will kill all three of us." He sighed happily and buried his nose against Draco's neck. And then there was perfect bliss as Severus wrapped his arms around the both of them and began mumbling his own gentle chastisement over Harry's absence.

The Fragonknights continue their road trip through the beautiful Scottish countryside while everyone back at the castle resumes last minute preparations for the wedding since the third (and arguably most important) groom has been found.

Merlin sinks back in his well while Arthur Weasley and Albus Dumbledore stare longingly into the distance long after the roar of the hogs is gone. It's now time for Petunia, Narcissa and Molly to take the grooms inside and get them ready for their nuptials.

FK03 wishes it be known that she does in fact drive a Suzuki racing bike, not a hog (those things are nasty looking)

A/N: You may all thank Excessively Perky for helping me with my spellings. Otherwise I would have to just let the lot of you read about fouls instead of foals...twice.


	11. Wedding of the Decade

* * *

Chapter 11:

Narcissa dragged her son by the ear down several hallways until she got to the suite deep in the bowels of Slytherin territory where accommodations had been made to house her entourage until after the wedding. By the time she was finished with him he was whimpering. (That was after all the screaming and hyperventilating.)

Even Lucius (who is a seasoned Death Eater) was shell shocked to realize that his wife's normal beauty routine could put Voldemort's casual cruelty to shame. And she called it getting ready for a wedding? No wonder his son, ah how was it that Vernon put things, Yes, Draco swung the wrong way on the Tree of Life. More like it was a self-defense mechanism- life is short, nasty, and brutal…with a mother like Cissy.

* * *

Harry had been hustled off by Petunia and was undergoing something of the same treatment. It wasn't quite so bad for him though because Pet did not see the reasoning behind smoothing out any of his blemishes with foundation, then applying the correct cosmetics to restore his beautiful porcelain complexion. It was pretty damn scary to see her coming at him with the tweezers though…

"Dudley, help me!" Went from a full blown shriek down to nothing more than a whine about 'why won't you help me?' long before Petunia let Harry loose. Even then she insisted that Vernon sit there with him and make sure he did not move: she did not want any wrinkles in his robes; no food stains anywhere near him; and if he needed the bath room- well, Poppy had given her the correct spell for him to use so that he would not …well just say she was not going to violate rule two by other means either.

* * *

Severus Snape did not escape unscathed (or was that unscarred) either. Molly Weasley hauled him back to his chambers and proceeded to abuse his dignity in ways that only a VSM (Very Scary Matriarch) can manage! It was quite strange to have her fussing over him. He was quite sure that she was only about ten years older than he was at the very most. Ah well…never mind.

Ten minutes into the torture and he was fast losing all patience. "What in the name of Merlin was I thinking when I agreed to marry Harry Potter?" Severus glared at Molly Weasley. He was hissing mad and wanted the world to know it. He was exhausted from being up for almost all of the last 60 plus hours, approximately 45 of them spent trying to find his fiancé who had disappeared and then reappeared as if nothing was wrong.

Molly glared right back at him. "You either get your big skinny bat-ass attitude into that bathroom where Charlie, Bill and Arthur are waiting to help you, or I will cast a scourgify on you."

"You don't scare me, Molly Weasley!" His defiant tone was belied by the fact that he drew his wand and was edging toward the bathroom door.

With a roar that would make a dragon proud, Molly was on him. "Don't you ever pull your wand on me again, you arrogant sot!" She grabbed his wand with one hand and the neck of his robes with the other.

He squawked like a chicken about to get pounced and headed for the closest door. The only error in his escape plan was: Molly hadn't let loose of him yet. Severus overbalanced and landed on the floor in front of her. His last coherent thought before screaming his damn fool head off was 'Scream for HELP!'

Arthur managed to grab Severus and drag him into the bathroom right around the same time Charlie pulled his mother away from the cowering figure that she was beating with his own wand. Bill managed to make his mother stop swinging the wand long enough for the two of them to get her to take a calming potion, or two.

Arthur had to force a calming potion down Severus also. The poor man would not stop whimpering and shaking. Finally Arthur, from the kindness of his heart, obliterated the poor creature. He shook his head in frustration at the way his wife treated anyone who dared to agitate anyone she considered family. Molly had probably been spoiling for that scene since the moment she heard that Severus had yelled at Harry and that the boy had gone missing.

Severus shook his head trying to clear it. "Arthur you are going to have to stop protecting her by obliterating her victims."

Arthur grinned weakly. "How did you…Oh!" He looked at the wand marks across Severus' hips and upper legs. "She hasn't lost control like that in months." His face was redder than his hair.

Severus just shook his head. "I was there, Arthur. I know what happened." He looked back down at the battle scars he was now toting compliments of Molly Weasley. "Both times I was there." Cocking his head to the side as he traced a particularly bad welt, he added, "Still, I think I got off luckier than he did."

Arthur snorted, "He did not get rescued either."

Severus gave him a wide-eyed stare before nodding solemnly. "First time around I thought it was pretty near funny. Instead it hurts worse than one of his crucios."

Arthur dug around in one of Sev's robe pockets. "Here is your special healing ointment." Then not being able to suppress his curiosity a moment longer he added, "Did he ever recover from her discipline session?"

Severus threw back his head and howled with laughter. "No, Arthur, I do not think that the Dark Lord ever recovered from that time he was stupid enough to let Molly show him exactly what she thought of him."

"Was it as bad as Crabbe and Goyle said it was when they came to turn themselves in to the Ministry? Whatever she did really did wonders for the Order."

Severus began washing himself as he filled Arthur in on the details of the time Bellatrix LeStrange had taken Molly to see Lord Voldemort. Bella had been bragging about how Her Lord had captured Arthur and was going to kill him after he destroyed all the other muggle loving fools at the Burrow.

Bellatrix had been stupid enough to call all the other Death Eaters so they could witness the slight altercation between Mrs. Weasley and the Dark Lord which led to Bella being hauled back to Azkaban and Voldie flooing away after he had been scared into molting several layers of scales everywhere. It would appear that an angry Molly Weasley is impervious to all three unforgivables when she is angry enough. That particular day she was angry enough.

Ollivander reported to the Ministry that Tom Riddle had visited his shop the next day in search of a new wand. It seems his old one had been broken when someone bent on causing him bodily harm had snapped it then used it as rotisserie sticks before sending him flying backwards into a working fireplace.

All things considered, Severus was in great form when he exited his chambers to be escorted to the Great Hall where he would meet his other two partners. He even had the audacity to smirk at Molly and stick out his tongue as he went past: Arthur Weasley had been none to gentle with his wife when he issued orders in no uncertain terms that she would not take her bad temper out on others.

* * *

Strangely enough, considering the size of the wedding, it went off without any major hitches. It probably had something to do with all three grooms being tortured to within an inch of their lives. Sleep deprivation, starvation, and physical and mental abuse are all great methods of bringing recalcitrant behavior into line. All three of them were poster children for sainthood. (It was enough to make you sick!)

The ceremony took place out on the lawn because that was the only place large enough to accommodate all the guests. It did not go quite as perfectly as planned, but no one really minded the dozen little unicorns that showed up to be bridesmaids. The unexpected arrival of a contingent of centaurs insisting that they had to perform the Rites of Marriage according to Centaur law was also worked into the schedule.(It was the first time the centaurs had honored a wizard union since Merlin's bonding.)

After one of the longest most complicated weddings in Wizarding History, the three men were finally bonded, wedded, and legally bound to each other until such time as they saw fit to depart from this mortal coil. It was with a great deal of rejoicing that Minister McFadden declared that all the legalities were complete and those who were expected to attend the reception were invited to do so posthaste.

SSS

It was only natural to assume that the honeymoon would fall apart. Draco was so apprehensive about the bonding that his morning sickness kicked in at 10:20 P.M. and did not abate until Severus had brewed him a calming potion. Followed by Severus getting a bloody nose when an angry owl dropped a present on his head instead of landing and letting him retrieve it from her. Finally, Harry cracked and had a full blown anxiety attack and it took Severus and Draco both to calm him down.

Draco wound up sitting on the couch holding a sobbing Potter while Severus handed him kleenexes and rubbed his back. After finding out that Harry had not eaten any food since before their infamous dinner date and was running on even less sleep...Well, the honeymoon has been deferred until such a time as he is capable of participating!

* * *

A/N: Now wasn't that a sweet ending? Instead of reading a lemon that gets you depressed, you can use your imagination and let them have the honeymoon you always wanted with them. I, myself, am fixated on a ski chalet in the Swiss Alps this week. Lots of snow to play in during the day and a nice roaring fire to lounge in front of in the evenings. Nights should find the guys cuddling down in a big ol' California King size feather bed with flannel sheets and an eiderdown quilt.

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